VMA Recap

So, I could lie to you guys and say I stayed up and watched the VMAs, but let's be real.  I'm an adult, and got way too drunk on mimosas and Fireball and was in bed by 7:30.

If we're buds on Facebook or Twitter, you may have seen me suggest that you add Fireball to your mimosa.  Don't do it.  It's damn tasty, but this hangover it gave me is one for the books.  I apologize if you listened to me.  Nobody listens to me.  Anywho, I got around to watching them this morning, which was fine, because watching a show with commercials makes me want to die anyways.  I'm a devoted NSYNC fan and all, but I don't like anything enough to sit through those things.  Anyway, so here's my recap.

Taylor Swift.  I just can't.  I want to like you.  Actually, I lie.  I don't want to, but you seem nice, so I feel bad about not liking you.  Actually, I lied again.  It doesn't really bug me that I don't like you.  Some of those songs are damn catchy though.  That kind of pisses me off.  Also, turns out you're a little bitchy.

It actually does look like you're saying 'sorry for my arm' but no one's going to ever believe you.  And I like having reason to say something negative.

Miley Bird.  What in the actual fuck?  I'm going to keep 'We Can't Stop' as my ringtone, well because I love it.  Also, the new song rocks my world, too.  But cut it out.  We get it.  Hannah Montana is gone.  But the long haired version of you brought us 'Party in the U.S.A.' and that's my jam.  Don't bite the hand that feeds you.  According to my 'Billy Ray Cyrus:  Live in Concert' VHS, the apple didn't even grow on the same tree.

Lady Gaga, I'm not mad at you anymore.  That was a pretty solid opening, and your new song makes me dance.  And apparently, everybody has to pick between 'Applause' and Katy Perry's new song.  I choose you.  I don't really get why we have to pick .  You're both on my playlist, so whatever.

Pharrell.  Let me borrow that jacket.

Katy Perry, I like the new song, and I understand going with the theme, but isn't it time to do grown up performances?  Where did you get that sports bra, though?  It looks cute and functional.

Was it just me, or did Drake seem like he needed a hug all night?  Buck up, dude.  You got to see NSYNC.

That's right, Joey and Lance are big fat liars.  That's why neither one of you guys are my favorite.  I'm kidding.  Like I could pick a favorite.  Justin Timberake.  It more or less looked like this in my house.

Except, I'm alone, like a loser.  Also, I'm a bad mother, because Joey jumped up and got in my way and I shoved her off the couch.  I love you Joe, but no mother loves her child more than she loves NSYNC.  No truthful mother anyways.  They were 800 kinds of fantastic.  I miss them so hard.  Everyday.

All of Justin Timberlake was amazing.  He probably feels comfortable knowing that if anything ever happens to him and Jessica Biel what's her face, he can always marry Jimmy Fallon.  Holy man crush.  Speaking of that horrible four letter word, 'wife', why does he keep insisting on wearing that wedding ring?  It hurts my feelings.  She wasn't even there.  Remember Justin, I would have been there AND I know the choreography.

Bruno Mars was pretty fantastic, and I fast forwarded through Kanye West, because, no.  And that's it, because I'm old, and didn't even know who some of the people were.  And according to the fortune cookie with my Chinese food/ice cream breakfast combo, I have some shit to get into today.

I'm an outlaw.