Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Umm, No Thanks

So, as you may or may not know, one of my very best friends is having a little baby girl in just three months.

Remember when you guys let me do bangs?
I absolutely LOVE babies.  And my favorite thing about them is that not a single one of them in the entire world belong to me.  None of them.  Zero.  I have two nieces and two nephews, and tons of honorary little ones, and I love them all to pieces, but not as much as a I love returning them to their rightful owners. 

That pretty lady and myself spent yesterday bopping around Orlando buying baby shower goodies, eating cupcakes, and 'oohing' and 'ahhing' over little baby shoes.  One of our last stops was at 'Buy Buy Baby'.  Funny side note about that place:  The boyfriend asked me if that was an abortion clinic.  Say it out loud.  Yep.  I'm not admitting if a laughed or not, but I did immediately secure my two bedroom condo in hell after he said that.  Anyway, it's a smaller, slightly more high end BabiesRUs.

Two seconds after we walked in, I uttered those dirty words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, "I want a baby!".

Jesus, if you heard that, I DIDN'T MEAN IT.  Babies are for grown-ups, and scientists aren't sure if or when I will ever be one of those.  It was the smell in there.  The entire store smelled like that sweet, delicious, clean baby smell.  THE WHOLE STORE.  It assaulted your sense of smell as soon as the doors opened.  Instead of just enjoying that nice aroma and going about my business, I decided to more or less accuse the cashier of some kind of baby conspiracy.  You know, like how Vegas pumps oxygen in the casinos, so when I'm passed out in the hotel lobby and security wakes me up, I actually want another vodka and sprite.  They pump in that baby smell so you leave the store wanting a stupid baby.  Don't worry, this kind of reasoning might definitely works in Vegas, but not in the baby store.  Not on me anyhow.  No way.  Sorry if I seemed a little aggressive, cashier lady, but you almost made me make a life altering decision when I was just trying to buy some baby blankets.

So, be careful out there, ladies.  If you're around my age, a lot of your friends are starting to have babies on purpose.  Actually, most of my friends' babies are accidents, and I plan on threatening to tell their kids that in exchange for cake and moscato.  But, either way, stay out of Buy Buy Baby, or breathe out of your mouth in there, because they do have some really cute stuff.  Fuck it, just shop online.  You can do that without pants.

No Babies Allowed.


  1. Holy cow, I love reading these damn posts. I'm glad that you were able to resist the siren song of babyland!

  2. lol all i need to resist babies it to babysit my nieces for an hour.

    ps i made my blog private to readers only for just a bit. some exciting life things going on. if you didn't receive an invite. please let me know!! xo