Friday, March 21, 2014

My Favorite Friday

Ok, every Friday is more or less the shit, but this Friday?  Today?  Is the best one.  Remember a few months back when I whined about my best friend leaving me?  I'll catch you up:  She's a horrible best friend and left me for the frozen tundra of Montana.  Nobody moves to Montana.  She clearly just needed a break from me, which I understand, I mean, I take a lot of work.  But she's been gone for six months.  SIX MONTHS.

Hate her
If I read our best friend agreement that we signed correctly, nobody was allowed to move out of state.  Montana is a clear violation so she owes me money and a hummingbird cake, which I can get from her today because SHE'S ON A PLANE TO FLORIDA RIGHT NOW!

I'm so excited I might die.  No, seriously.  The idea of us being in the same state finally gets me eighteen different kinds of giddy, all of which are almost too much for me to handle.

We haven't even been able to Skype or FaceTime, because she's literally been that much in the middle of nowhere that the internet connection isn't good enough for basic human contact.  Or she lied to me and seriously moved to Montana to take a vacation from me.  Whatever.  I hope you enjoyed your little break and are comfortable peeing in front of me, because I not leaving your side the whole time you're in town.  You'll be lucky if I let you go back.  Actually, you won't be lucky:  Florida >Montana, so you'll actually be lucky if I'm able to lock you in my closet and cause you to miss your flight back (also known as Plan A).

Also, anybody who is reading this who wants to see Sheila while she's in town, email me and I will try to fit you into her schedule for the ten days she is here, but she will most likely be busy hanging out with me.  I don't share.  Sorry.  Maybe while I'm sleeping or at work you can sneak in a lunch or something with her, but most likely not because I plan on taking her everywhere I go, and I prefer you not come along, you'll most likely just get in the way and I'll have to ask you to leave anyways.

Sheila Shine, I know you're just as excited as I am and couldn't help but get on an earlier flight so call me when you get here.  Oh! I wrote a song for you while you were gone.
It's Friday, kids, and I'm having the best one out of all of you.

Linking up with Whitney, and hopefully I don't pee my pants, because this level of excitement would make it perfectly acceptable.

Also, Sheila, you really aren't leaving Orlando again.  I got you on the no fly list.  I KNOW PEOPLE.


Since I'm actually toddler, I've managed to catch what is most likely pink eye (the least mature illness there is behind chicken pox) so if one of you guys could make sure Sheila gets a HAZMAT suit so she can still hang out with me, that would be great.  Also, send something with her to help me sleep, the shit is serious and I can't close my eyes long enough to get any sleep.


 ****Second Update****

It's Spring everywhere but Montana, and apparently snow storms don't make for good flying conditions, so nobody is on a plane yet, AND the boyfriend just came sick, so basically this day went from awesome to kill me real quick.

Debating on testing out if drinking an entire of wine can get rid pink eye.

Again, help.

 ***Third Update***

Sheila is actually the worst friend ever and was playing a joke on me.  Her flight isn't cancelled.  Thinking about giving her my pink eye when she gets here.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Living In Sin Is The New Thing

Ho there!  (Yes I'm still double spacing after periods.)  So, I want to talk to you about something you're all going through/have been through/will go through:  Cohabitation. 

I've been cohabitating with my better half  for about two and a half years now and it's more or less been one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I'm not here to rave about the boo putting the toilet seat down (but really he does, and it's awesome) but there are minuses to go with every plus when you decide to shack up with your significant other.  But let's bust through the pluses real quick.

1.  Beer

Boys always have beer.  ALWAYS.  When I was single, I would constantly come home after a bad night at work and need a drink but have an empty fridge.  You can't really drown your sorrows in OJ.  Boys are always beer ready.  They somehow anticipate having a bad day, so they always have beer available. 

2.  Food

Living with females provides you with broccoli, asparagus, meal replacement shakes, judgment, and more broccoli.  Boys?  They tell you you're beautiful AND give you french fries.  I have a constant supply of chips, ice cream sandwiches, and macaroni.  Sign me up.  Sure it goes straight to the ass, but boys come loaded with compliments, so it's fine.

3.  Cleaning

The bf is by no means washing dishes, but he's all over mowing the lawn and keeping the rose bushes in check.  Which is great, because I don't want dirt all over my manicure.  And I'm definitely not putting a TV stand together.  Thanks, man.

4. TV

I am a GIRL when it comes to television.  Throw me a housewife, Kardashian, a medical drama, or a small town girl trying to make it big on NBC, and I'm HOOKED.  Enter the boyfriend and I'm watching bearded men catching frogs, guys pawning civil war memorabilia, and dudes eating eight pound hamburgers and I LOVE it.

 It also SUCKS living with a dude, for all the same reasons.

1.  Beer

You know what momma really wants after a 10+ hour shift of hateful patients?  WINE.  Where are the boys who like a good Pinot Noir?  I got that dude up there to take a sip of a red wine that was so fruity it doesn't even count as wine, once.  ONCE.  And I was just thankful he didn't spit it on my shoe.  I don't always want a Bud Light, babe.  Usually, but not always.

2.  Food

I'm a girl, and as much as I would love to live off of carbohydrate and cheese, there's no pretty way to do that.  How do boys not understand that?  Calories just fly right out of their ears while they set up camp and start paying rent in our thighs.  The fuck?  Salt and vinegar chips and Oreos can't hang out in the pantry and have the same effect on us, honey.


When David and I moved in together we agreed that I would do the inside 'girl' cleaning and he would do the out side 'boy' cleaning.  And I appreciate him doing the heavy lifting, but two weeks after posting up in our current residence, he made friends with the neighbor boy and started him some cash to mow the lawn.  Smart?  Yes.  Fair?  No.  Plus, although I'm blessed with an oddly neat boy to live with, boys will always be messy.  But seriously, he puts the toilet seat down every time and it's the best.

4.  TV

I love a good Gas Monkey Garage,  but when did we all agree that the boy gets the remote?  I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy on the laptop, or catch up with the Housewives at two o'clock in the morning.  But he somehow ALWAYS wins when it comes to family TV time.  I don't get it.  

Living with a boy is the hardest decision I've ever made, but I've never though twice about that decision.  I just wish I wore the pants.  

Monday, March 3, 2014

I Did It!

Happy Monday, kids! I wish you this from a bed I'm not moving from at all today except to get a grilled cheese sandwich later.  Hate if you will, but I deserve all kinds of lazy and cheesy things today, because I ran a stinkin' half marathon yesterday. 
That's meeee!

I know, I know, I'm  sure you're already aware since I assaulted all forms of social media with this event yesterday, but whatever, it wasn't easy, so I get to brag. 

 While I was training, my game plan was to try to finish this bad boy in two hours, and I did it in two hours and eight minutes.  Don't worry, I'm not mad at all at those extra eight minutes.  There were definite points during the race that I didn't think I was going to be able to make it, so I would have been happy finishing in three hours (that's a lie).  Annnnnnd, I placed 11th out of 42 in my age group. 

I couldn't be happier with the way it went yesterday.  It was simultaneously the best and worst thing I've ever done.  The best, because it's a pretty cool feeling being able to do something not everybody can do.  The worst, because well my feet hurt and it was cold when we started and I had to wake at 4:30 in the f-in' morning. 
Well earned beer.
That little angel up there not only woke up at that ungodly hour with me to come out there and cheer me on (and to make sure I didn't back out) but she decided last minute to bust out the 5k they had going on that morning too. 

The rest of my favorites were waiting at the finish line for me too.  To say I was happy to see them is an understatement.  And I'm not sure if it was because I was excited to see them just to see them or because seeing them meant I was finished.  Actually, I know it was because I was finished.  Don't tell them that.  You know what, I'm sure they know that. 

I assumed that I would finish and NEVER want to do this again, and right after I finished yesterday that is exactly how I felt.  Fellow racers kept approaching me asking how my first race went and giving me pointers for my next race and I would laugh and tell them this was my first and last one, and they would laugh right back and tell me I would be back.  And I think they're right.  And by 'think' I mean I've already been scouring the internet for the next race I want to do.  I still refuse to believe that a person can actually run a full marathon though.  Refuse. 

The rest of you enjoy your Monday, I will be spending mine eating every last calorie I burnt yesterday, and then some.