Thursday, August 1, 2013

Hold On To Your Butts

Guys, it's starting.  Get excited.  Be prepared.  Hold the phone.  Do it all.

Are you ready?  So, this morning, I popped into Walgreen's at around 6:00 A.M. to pick up some happy juice liquid Melatonin, because Joey ate all of my pills.  She's fine, I am not a bad mother.  On my way up to the register I got lost, per the usual, and ended up in the seasonal aisle.  Guess what the hell I found?

Oh, do you need a closer look?

Even closer?!

Any comments about my manicure will earn you a punch in the face and none of my candy.

And I haven't even lost last year's holiday weight yet.  Guess what?  I could give a shit.  You know what candy corn means?  Halloween.  Halloween means fall, and fall means Autumn, and Autumn and August start with the same two letters.  GIVE ME MY PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE!  While you're back there, find my Salted Caramel Mocha, too.  Thanks.  Oh, you're out of pumpkin bread?  FIX IT.

And now we sit back for a month and wait for all those goodies to actually come back into our lives, because Walgreens jumped the gun and now has me sitting on pins and needles until these things are back in my life everyday.  They couldn't even be kind enough to wait until pumpkin beers started making my weekends a little bit happier so I could at least get drunk while I wait.  If that's not a lawsuit waiting to happen, then I apparently don't listen when the boyfriend talks about his classes.

Luckily, I had a pretty awesome friend hoard some pumpkin spice k-cups.  Now, these weren't necessarily for me, because every man for himself when it comes to pumpkin related anything, am I right?  But, she was kind enough to get a baby put in her belly about five months ago.  Since baby hasn't developed its God given right to be addicted to caffeine, those yummy little cups made their way to Aunt Tina's house.  I'm already liking this kid.  Alas, I am down to my last two cups, so shit needs to change by the end of this week, or seriously Walgreens, I'm suing.  Give me pumpkin bread. 

Put on the stretchie pants, ladies.  It's time to get fat.

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