Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Sister, Sister

If you've ever scrolled Pinterest, and let's face it, if you have access to the Internet, you have, then I'm sure you've seen those nauseatingly sweet quotes about sisters.

And shit like that.  Every time I see something like that, I can't help but think that this person clearly never actually had a sister.  Having a sister is quite possibly the most frustrating thing in the entire world.  Mostly because you love them ten times more than any of those quotes say, but you don't really want to. 

I'm not entirely sure how excited my sister was when my parents told her they were bringing home a little sister for her, but I can imagine she was just THRILLED to go from being the only child to sharing the spotlight.  Three and half years between us probably worked well for my parents but it didn't really bode so well for our relationship growing up.  I wanted to do EVERYTHING she did, and I'm sure she debated jumping off of a bridge just to see if I would in fact do everything she did, your standard big sister-little sister relationship. 

One day, things just....changed.  We could no longer be in the same together, speak civilly to each other, even look at each other.  And it was all my fault.  I was an awful sister.  She went through a bad time, and I judged her instead of being there for her, and I will never forgive myself for wasting years of our relationship, and I will never be able to thank her enough for forgiving me for being that way so we could become the best friends that we are now.

If you would have told 15 year old me that one day, that girl I had to share a bedroom with who wouldn't let me wear her clothes (which in true little sister form I did anyways) would end being the person I had the strongest relationship with, I would have laughed at you and asked for another sandwich.  Anybody who knew us would have done the same thing, but I would have taken their sandwich.  We never once tried to hide our dislike for each other.

Thank God that part of our lives is over with, because I don't know what I would do without her. 

Don't worry, when I'm visiting  her sometimes I still want to reach over and pull her hair as hard as I can, but I refrain, since she's nice enough not to smack me in the back of the head, like I know she is dying to do.  But we're a team now, and have a little brother that needs some smacking around sometimes.  Maybe we should start painting his nails again....

Anyways, happy birthday to my amazing, wonderful, strong, supportive sister, who I don't even come close to deserving.  I love you so so much and thank you for everything you've done for me, especially the making me an aunt thing. 

That's my favorite.

If you see her around today, give her the biggest hug you can from me, especially if you don't actually know her.  And don't tell her it's from me.

I like to creep out the people I love on their birthdays.

You guys are all lucky to have me.

Peace Out, Girl Scout

Where are the Girl Scouts?

Monday, January 27, 2014

Dear CBS

We need to talk.  I stuck through the Grammys last night because, well I'm sick of felling old.  I thought this would be another MTV Awards situation where I had no idea who anybody was and the music would be too loud for me.  'What is an Ariana Grande and why can't she stop wearing that half ponytail?'  Besides some strange girl wearing a lampshade, I was thoroughly impressed with my knowledge of who was coming across the stage most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you did for me last night, CBS.  And by everything, I mean this:

I spent the rest of the show wondering when they would be playing their next song, because this was clearly the Jay-Z and Beyonce show, also known as life.  Do you know why I pushed back the time I took my vitamins and went to bed?  Because of who was closing the show.  Specifically Dave Grohl, because he makes me feel all warm inside. 

I had to sit through Robin Thicke without the twerking, Lampshade Girl, AND She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (also known as girl who can't sit down in front), and you freakin' cut off Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, Queens of the Stone Age, and Lindsey Buckingham?  I can't even.  I mean I know you gave me the royal couple and John Legend, but Trent Reznor doesn't seem like somebody who would exactly take being cut off lightly, so I'm sure he'll boycott the Grammys and now you've ruined them for all of us.  THANKS. 

I seriously can't even remember anything else good about the Grammys because the ending just ruined it for me.  Kind of like Gone Girl, but I eventually forgave Gillian Flynn and read that again.  You will most likely not get back in my good graces as quickly, CBS.  Mostly because I just watch Netflix and The Food Network, so I don't really need you, but if you want to send me a gift basket, that would be fine. 

I'm off to rewatch the first and last performances from last night and throw things at me TV because I'm not and will never be one half of The Carters and because I will never know how much better that closing performance ended up being. 




Thursday, January 23, 2014

Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship?

Hi there!  I was about to wish you a big ol' 'Happy Friday!' but that's a little premature, since, you know, it's only Thursday.  Sorry to bring it up.  I've had a really hard time accurately knowing what day of the week it is so far for most of 2014.  I think I've been right about it two days so far.  I think I'm going senile.  Anywho, I was browsing Twitter yesterday and HelloGiggles posted an article titled 9 Signs You Have An Unhealthy Relationship With Your Dog.  (Not where you thought this post was going when you read the title, huh?  Don't worry, my human relationship is perfectly healthy besides the boyfriend's need to crush my soul.)  Moving on.

If you guessed that I was able to nod my head in agreement to nine out of nine of those signs, then congratulations, you know what every other person who has ever seen my blog/Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/person knows:  I love my dog. 

We are also hands down the cutest couple in Winter Park, probably in Florida, and most likely in the US.  Ok, I'm being modest.  We're the cutest couple in the world. 


Anyways, was I nodding my head in shame to these nine signs, you ask?  HELL NO.  I was actually a little disappointed in the author that they would assume that those are signs of an unhealthy relationship.  


 I wouldn't say I necessarily get jealous when she sleeps with other people, because she doesn't sleep with other people.  Ok, maybe I yelled at the boyfriend for stealing her in the middle of the night while we were camping last week, but that was strictly for body heat purposes.  I was jealous because I was cold.  My jealousy was practical and HEALTHY.


You can never overcare for your dog.  Moving on.


Joey has recently been getting picked on for her weight by a few people.  You guys know who you are and you're bullies.  There's a giant anti-bullying movement happening right now, GET WITH IT.  So, yes the two mile walks we do on the days we're not running the dog park are more for her than me, that makes me a good mother.


This one doesn't really apply to me because Joey has health insurance, so whatever is making her throw up will cost me basically nothing at the vet, so I can make all the unnecessary trips I want.  I'm sure the LOVE me there.  And I don't really 'panic' so much as lie awake at night with her until she's 100% back to normal.


Of course I do.  This has a lot to do with the fact that she has a pretty killer sad face.

It physically hurts me to see her face like that.  So, I mostly worry about her feelings to spare my feelings.

Oh, and also because I have a soul.


Joey has more of a problem with the cats next door.  She wants to play with them and they hiss at her try to scratch her eyes out, which makes her sad because she's just trying to make friends.  See number five.


Of course I do.  You'll be hard pressed to find a canine owner who doesn't get separation anxiety.  So if this makes my relationship with Joe unhealthy, then I will gladly join the club.


No matter what you guys think, I do not put Joey above David on any list, except for a list of who I like to take naps with the most.  He's not as big on cuddling as she is.  Any new friends I've made after getting Joey?  Sorry, you're numero dos behind her.


Not unhealthy.  Joe is funny and makes for good conversation.  Just ask me about her the next time you see me.  It'll save me the trouble of having to bring her up.

Was this article an accurate portrayal of mine and Joey's relationship?  Yes.  Is it unhealthy?  You be the judge.  If you say 'yes', you're incorrect. 

Ok, so maybe if I read this article about 15 years ago, as a cat owner and somebody who was scared of dogs I would think all those signs pointed to a crazy person.

But, if loving Joey is wrong I don't want to be right.

We out.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Listen Up!

Hello there.  So, I may or may not have accidentally gotten an Amazon credit card the other day.  Yes, mom, that makes credit card number six.  MIND YOUR BUSINESS!  I know that sounds like a lot of credit cards, but, in my defense, only two of them have actual balances on them, so it's fine.  Anyways, I got it because I got $10 off an order for signing up for one, and guinea pig cages are a lot cheaper on Amazon than in the pet store.  Why do I need a guinea pig cage, you ask?  Well, for a guinea pig, of course.  Why am I getting a guinea pig?  Because the boyfriend won't let me have a chicken.
So, after telling the boyfriend I was going to get one, telling him what I ordered online, telling him that I found a guinea pig that I liked, texting him picture of said guinea pig, AND telling him that all of my guinea pig goodies have been shipped, he asks me two days later if I said something about getting a guinea pig the other day. 

Why?? Why can't you listen to me?!  Listen, I know I talk.  A LOT.  Like, ten times more than your average 15 year old girl does.  I can't help it.  I have a lot to say and an incessant need to say all of it, all the time.  But honey, if you don't start paying attention to me when I talk, you're going to miss important conversations about additions to the family. 

In the boyfriend's defense, I have been told that I absolutely cannot ever have a fourth pet.  Well I can, but not without quickly having to change my relationship status to 'single' after acquiring the fourth addition to that snuggle party up there.  So, maybe I don't really listen either....but that's not the point.  I was two business days away from becoming a mother of four until he came home for lunch the other day and started crushing dreams.  Apparently Olive decided to jump on his head that morning which reminded him how much I wasn't supposed to get her in the first place, which led to him remembering me talking about getting another pet. 
All my fault, guys.
When exactly is it 'too many pets'?  Because I apparently still have plenty of room in my heart for more, and he will only have enough room in his if he kicks me out of it.  Sigh.  At least he knows I love him.  I don't give up on having more furry babies for just anybody.

But David, just so you know, you're in charge of telling the kids we will remain a three pet household, because they actually listen to/can't run away from a conversation with me, and were really excited about 'Fiona'.  How do I know?  Because I LISTENED TO THEM.

Update:  After attempting to sleep/eat/shower/clean my house/lead a normal life today, turns out, the number of pets in this house should never ever exceed three.  Also, I might need a nanny.

The boyfriend never reads this, so please don't tell him he was right.


Also, please refer to this story whenever you want to know who wears the pants in our relationship.  I wash all the pants if that gives you a clue.

Maybe I'll buy some new pants with the money I get back when I send back my sad, empty guinea pig home.

Boyfriends who think rationally about the human to animal ratio in a home are stupid.

Monday, January 13, 2014

It's Not MY Birthday, But That's Ok

Hey there!  Hope you're having a happy Monday.  I know I am.  You know who else is?

That pretty pretty princess on the left up there.  Why is she having such a good Monday?  Well for one, she's on vacation.  That's right.  Go ahead and hate her because you're sitting at a desk deciding which color pen to shove in your eye while she's trying to decide which outfit she'll look the cutest in while skiing.  Spoiler alert:  she looks good in all of them.  But you know what?  She's earned a vacation.  As of today, she has officially been on this earth making it a much much better, more beautiful, amazing place for 28 years.  Wait a minute, have we reached the age where we have to say dumb shit like 'turning 21 for the 8th time'?  Was I not supposed to give away your age?  Oops.  Remember, you love me and have too many matching tattoos with me to ditch me now. 
I've been celebrating birthdays with that ladybug for fourteen years now.  Half of them together and half them in different cities from each other.  This year, she hightailed it to Seattle and decided to celebrate clear across the country from me.  Since we're adults now (28, remember?) I'm much less 'I wish she took me on vacation with her!' and much more 'I hope she's having a good time'.  Ok, I'm a little bit 'she owes me a vacation', but we'll work out the details on that when she gets back.

If you ever decide to be jealous of me for something, it should be the stroke of luck I had when I crossed paths with Shannon on the softball field in ninth grade.  I was minding my own business waiting for my time to shine during tryouts and she was bouncing around center field talking to anybody who would be still for a second.  It took all of ten seconds and I was hooked.  I know what you're thinking.  Yes, that is who you have to thank for me going from a quiet little bookworm to the chattiest person you will ever meet.  Ever.
Jesus, we're adorable.

It's funny that I can remember the exact moment we met, but I can't remember a time when we weren't best friends.  I feel genuinely, completely, 100 % happy when I'm with her.
I remember the first time I saw this quote on (what else?) Pinterest.  Who the f was stalking Shannon and me and decided to come up with a quote to describe our friendship perfectly?  Don't get me wrong, our respective boyfriend and husband are so so so much more than just guys we have fun with, we love them both an insane amount and they are definitely our soulmates too, but she is my soulmate on whole different level.  She is my rock, my lobster, my best friend, my sister. 
She is the person I can't wait to tell things to, miss everyday, and who I don't hate when it's her birthday instead of mine.  I love you, you sweet, beautiful, funny, strong, amazing woman.  Your only flaw is that you fell in love with and married a man who insists on living two hours away from me.  But, hey I did the same thing.  This is where I would insert a picture of the two of us with our boys, but I don't have one.  How have we forgotten to make that happen?  I bet they're pretty ok with the fact that we're too obsessed with each other to even realize they're with us. 
It's ok, there's room for them in our lives, but definitely not in our pictures.

Happy Happy Birthday to you, Shannon! Give yourself a giant hug and kiss from me.  I love you so so many.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Here I Am!

Oh shit, I have a blog.  Hi there.  This time I haven't been bumming on the couch this whole time.  Well, not the WHOLE time.  First, let's get through the hard part:  I left Joey for five days.
FIVE F-IN' DAYS.  I haven't been away from  her for more than two days since the month after I got her, and that was actually kind of nice because I was MIA during some crucial potty training incidents. To say those five days were rough would be a giant understatement, but your girl was in major need of a vacation, so I packed three bags for a five day trip and off I went in search of that southern accent I managed to drop a few years ago.  I swapped out that cute face up there for some even cuter faces though.

I was in niece and nephew HEAVEN for New Years.  I was a little nervous, because it was only the second time I had been around my youngest niece, but I ended up basically being her favorite person of all time.
You can say it, my family makes beautiful babies.

Anyways, I showered those babes with presents and kisses and took them to the zoo and slumbered party on the living room floor with them and we ate everything bad for us.  I had an absolute blast, but learned some very valuable lessons.

1.  Four kids is too many

As I've gotten older, I've switched gears from 'Kids are evil' to 'Ok, fine, I'll take a couple'.  One thing I won't be doing?  Having four of them.  They're never hungry at the same time or want to eat the same thing, never want to do the same thing, they have no concept of time or money, and I'm getting easier to outsmart.

2.  Where babies come from

Ok, I 'know' where babies come from, but when your eleven year old niece decides to get curious about the birds and the bees at the beginning of an hour long car ride, you get a little flustered and may get your facts confused.  Trust me.  After reviewing my answers under less pressure, turns out, that doesn't go there and you can't get pregnant that way.  I would like to thank the gorillas who decided to have sexy time in front of us at the zoo for putting me in that situation. 

3.  Hell doesn't have a bar

I'm from an insanely tiny town in North Central Florida that requires a ton of drinking.  Every day.  All the time.  Only problem is, I'm clearly the only one who feels that way.  Ellisville, get a bar, dude.  You make me want to stick my head in an oven, I need you to at least get me drunk beforehand. 

4.  There are more people I like as much as my dog than I thought.

So I survived my first trip without Joey and it was all thanks to these cats:

Ok, it also helped that I found a dog on the side of the road within my first day there and got to keep him for two days until I found his parents, but that's not that point.

Naturally, the boyfriend got a little nervous over this picture and immediately called me to shoot down any hopes of adding this guy to our family if I couldn't find his owner.

After ten years of living in Orlando, I finally find myself consistently referring to it as 'home'. The only thing wrong with Orlando is, nobody in any of those pictures lives here. Not a single one of them. I miss them all the time.  But as much as I loved every stinkin' second of being with my family and friends and already miss them like crazy, I was definitely glad to come home away from awkward conversations about sex and just in time watch UCF win the Fiesta Bowl (hooray!) and snuggle with my Joe.
Oh! I totally missed my boyfriend too. 
Really babe, I missed you a ton.  And I'm not just saying that because you cleaned the whole house while I was gone.  It's mostly because you had CapriSuns and Doritos waiting for me.  That's why I call Orlando 'home'.

Oh, and if  you happen to live anywhere north of Florida, please forgive all of us now for the next couple of days worth of complaining about the cold weather.  It's supposed to be in the 20s and we just can't down here.  We can't.