What Do You Want From Me

Mr. Boyfriend's birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and naturally he is tons of absolutely no help in deciding what I should get him.  So far, he's only asked for chocolate.  Thanks, babe, but I get you eight pounds of Reese's every time I go to Publix.

The big problem with picking out a gift for him, is he is one of those of guys who doesn't ever want stuff, he needs things.  And by 'needs' I mean I accidentally and conveniently break something of his that he uses all the time right before his birthday/Christmas/our anniversary, and then I replace it and count it as a gift.  Viola.  Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he's fully aware how lucky he is to have me.

Anyway, since I have no intention of breaking his iPad and replacing that, I took to Lady Google to help me shop.  And she was more or less just as helpful as him.

Floating Cork Knife

This would come in handy, because I am notorious for not checking pockets before I wash clothes.  I don't have to worry about anything in my pockets, because I'm usually wearing a maxi dress or yoga pants, so no pockets to empty.  When we first started dating, I didn't want to seem like a nosey girlfriend, so I never went through his pockets before washing clothes, and I still don't, out of habit laziness.  His pocket knife has been through the rinse cycle about 18 times, if it was made of cork, it would float to the top and then it wouldn't make it to the dryer and come out 1000 degrees and burn the shit out of my fingers. Handy?  Maybe.  Stupid?  Definitely.

Ninja Umbrella

 Yeah, you heard me.  I don't think I've ever met a male who carries an umbrella.  David won't even share with me if I bring mine.  You don't have to do any of the work, dude, just walk closer to me, you know, like you're my boyfriend.  Is this kind of like tricking kids into eating their veggies?  Turn an umbrella into something you can commit a felony with and now your guy will become a responsible adult who carries one?  I kind of want it.

Beard Pack

This is sadly no longer of use to him.  I'm not sure if you're aware, but he was previously the owner of one of the best beards in town.

He actually made me switch shampoo and conditioner because I guess it wasn't good enough to use on the beard.  And you know what?  My hair is a million times healthier because of that switch.  Damnit.  I wonder why we never named that thing...

Shark Socks

 Yes.

And that, my friends, is the best my Internet surfing skills has led me to so far.  Seriously.  I like how most of the websites I came across are under the impression I live with a man-child.  You order Nerf guns online one time and Big Brother knows to suggest all things child-like to your girlfriend when she's Googling what to get you for your birthday.  Is that what the Patriot Act was all about?  No wonder you guys made such a big deal out of it.

Screw it, I'm breaking his iPad.  I'll get him a white one this time.  He could probably use some new socks.  He caught on to my strategy of throwing them away so I don't have to fold them, and he noticed he's down to like three pairs. I'm not folding the new ones either.  We've talked about this.  You know what?  He probably wants a puppy AND/or kitten.  Duh.

It's Not Even Your Birthday.