Sunday, September 29, 2013


Eleven years ago today, I earned my favorite title in the entire world:  Aunt Tina.  Ok, I didn't really do much that day to 'earn' anything but I put up with their mother as my sister for the previous sixteen years to that, so let's just say I earned it.   Two of my most favorite people in all of the world were born eleven years ago today.

That pretty lady on the left, is Kaia, one of the funniest, silliest people I know.  Having my mom tell me she takes after me is still the greatest compliment I've ever received.

That cute boy on the right up there is Caiden, one of the sweetest, most loving people I know.  He was the first boy I ever fell in love, and definitely the boy I love the most.

Fun fact:  They're the reason I go by Tina now instead of Christina.  Turns out, those extra five letters are really hard for two year olds to say.  Anyway, I could gush for days over these two guys, but instead, I leave you with some of my favorite quotes from the two of them.

Caiden: "Aunt Tina, how old are you?"
Me: "How old do you think I am?"
Caiden: "Oh no, I'm not doing that."

Caiden: "Aunt Tina! I need $500."
Me: "For what?"
Caiden: "Netflix."

Kaia: "How come you don't have a hamburger?"
Me: "I don't eat meat."
Kaia: "Are you allergic?"
Me: "No, I just don't like to eat animals."
Kaia: "Well, I do. L-O-V-E it."

Caiden: "Kaia got a ring from Lord of the Rings, and we think it really works!"
Me: "Are you sure about that?"
Caiden: "Probably works better than your fake Harry Potter wand."

Caiden: "Aunt Tina, I have a girlfriend!"
Me: "WHAT??!! How old is she? What grade is she in?"
Caiden: "Ummmm...well..."
Me: "You don't know?! Do you even like her?"
Caiden: "....Listen, she's really pretty."

Me: "What are you guys doing tonight?"
Kaia: "I can't tell you that, but I can tell you I love you a lot."

Me: "How's school going?"
Kaia: "Whatever dude, it's almost Fri-day."

Caiden: "HissHisssssHissHissHisssssss!"
Me: "...Was that some Parseltongue you were just speaking?"
Caiden: "Duh."

Me: "I'm coming to see you on Sunday!"
Caiden: "Really?? Good, because I miss you a whole lot!"
Me: "I'm coming to see you on Sunday!"
Kaia: "Ummm, I'm about to eat some Hamburger Helper, so..."

Kaia:  "Can you guys just stop talking and get me some chicken nuggets?"

Caiden:  "Aunt Tina, why does David need a Nerf gun?  He's an adult with a beard."

Me:  "I'm going to work:"
Caiden:  "But it's night time, when do you sleep?"
Me:  "During the day."
Caiden:  "Like a bat!  Wait a minute..."

Kaia:  "Why don't you work at Texas Roadhouse anymore?"
Me:  "Because I got a big girl job."  
Kaia:  "But what about the butter?"

And each and every time the words 'I love you' come out of their mouths, my heart melts. I love you back, my sweet little angels and I miss you every single minute of every single day I don't get to be with you.

 I will be celebrating your birthday at a bar because I've been an aunt for eleven years and now I feel old.


Friday, September 27, 2013

Words To Live By

Boyfriend and I were hanging out on the couch watching 'Castle' yesterday afternoon, when one of the characters mention something about her life motto.  I'm not entirely sure what exactly that motto was because I was all filled up on Candy Crush lives, and wasn't exactly paying attention, but this prompted the babe to mention his life motto.  His life motto makes me want to punch him in the face.  It goes a little something like this:

Me:  "Babe, please don't do that."
BF:  "I do what I want!"

Me:  "You seriously can't be doing that right now."
BF:  "I do what I want!"

Me:  "Don't touch that!"
BF:  "I do what I want!"

I die a little bit inside every time he says it, mostly because it's so damn true.  The little shithead does whatever he wants. 

That would be him, on the reg.

Anyway, it got me thinking, what should my life motto be?  I would love for it to be that, but let's face it, I'm a people pleaser to the full extent, so I give plenty of fucks.  Here are few options though.

1.  Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

I'm mean, just look how excited some cake, wine, and a little bit of Jack Daniels gets me.  I could definitely jump on board this train.  Few things make my heart happy like some baked goods and alcohol.  Sad, but true.  Correction:  not sad, but still true.

2.  Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Ok, not so much 'dance like nobody's watching' but more 'dance only when nobody's watching'.  Because nobody should have to see it.

Oh, we're taking a picture?  Fuck that, I'm dancing.

Walk across the street?  How about we dance across the street.

I'm actually not even sure what's happening here.
I shouldn't dance.  Ever.  I'll keep doing it though.  Maybe just a little more 'alone in my living room' and a little less 'smack in the middle of a very crowded bar'.

3.  Keep Your Friends Close... 

I didn't finish that quote, because I don't feel like I have any enemies.  If I do...why don't you like me?! I'm kidding, I don't care.  No, seriously, why don't you like me?  If I haven't noticed that you hate, it's because I have too many amazing friends to distract me from your negativity, bud.  

I pretty much win in the friend department.  If you gave me a chance, we could be great friends.  Promise.  Ok, no seriously, why don't you like me?

Actually half of those babes up there live anywhere from two hours away to Montana, so I'm not doing such a good job keeping them close.  In fact, I chased one farther away.

4.  Life's a Beach

Within ten minutes of meeting me,  you can definitely tell I was born and raised in the Sunshine State.  I have the ever so slight hint of a Southern accent, year round tan lines, and an insane hatred toward temperatures under 85 degrees.  I was made for the water and sand.

Thank God Florida accepts my no nonsense attitude toward cold weather, and sneaks me in the occasional day during winter above 80 degrees.

5.  TGIF

I don't know if this necessarily fits in with everything else, but it is Friday.  Holla!  In celebration, I'm linking up with Whitney.


This song is rocking my world so hard right now.  Download it and learn the words, so next time you're in my car we can sing it together.

Peace out, Girl Scouts

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Tricks of the Trade

I've made no secret of the fact that I love my job.  While every other status on my Facebook newsfeed or Twitter timeline is usually somebody whining about their job, I usually walk through the front doors of my office with a smile on my face.

Don't mean to rub it in, but I do, I really do love my job.  Anywho, this post isn't about making you hate your job a little more or making you want to punch me in the face.  I want to talk about the many things I've learned over the past two and a half years in the medical field.

1.  Adults Don't Listen 

 None of them do.  No matter how many times you tell them to leave something alone or not to touch something, they just can't help themselves.  They have to see what that button does, or where that wire goes.  Just count your blessings that there aren't any needles involved and I'm not shoving something up your ass checking your temperature, and stop touching shit.

2.  Men Are Babies

Dear.  God.  This above all else.  Men are the worst.  Everything hurts.  Everything is uncomfortable.  Nothing works.  

I understand any kind of medical procedure can be a little scary, especially when it involves an overnight stay, but come on, dude.  The two year old down the hall is taking it like a champ.  Grow a pair and let me do this.  

 3.  The Fireman Stereotype Is True

Well, it is in Jamlando anyway.  Anytime we have an emergency situation, we have to call an ambulance since we aren't directly in the hospital.  With an ambulance always comes a fire truck.  In that fire truck, there are firemen.  And in those firemen, I see Jesus.  

I love my boyfriend times a million, but these dudes will definitely wake you up at two o'clock in the morning.  Ya feel me?

4.  Hospital Food Isn't That Bad

On the rare occasion I actually work inside the hospital, I always take advantage of the cafeteria.  I mean, I have absolutely no intention of giving their sushi a go, but that sweet little Asian man makes a mean quesadilla.  And they sell entire cakes.  I'm sure they're there to celebrate somebody having a baby or pulling through surgery, but it's only a matter a time before one of those bad boys is my three A.M. snack.  

5.  Medical Supply Companies Are Bad For Your Diet

The lucky sales rep who has stopped by is not just there to show off some new goody that's going to make somebody else's life and health ten times better.  He's also there to give you a big fat ass.  Donuts, cookies, sandwiches, candy.   You name it, if it has at least four digits worth of calories, one of those sons of bitches will bring it in.  And I love them oh so much for it.  One of them brought in something weird like granola once.  That's not why I come to work, captain.  Talk to the guy who brought in Krispy Kreme.  You could learn a thing or two.

Pay attention when you're at work.  You'll learn some stuff.  And get some snacks.  

Over and out.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend

Once upon a time seven years ago , my college grant money ran out and I had to get two jobs.  One was at Subway (of course) and the other took me three months to find, and the best I could do was Bennigans.  Little did I know, working there was going to give me one of my best friends, and she was the mean girl behind the bar who yelled at me and made me cry my first week.  In her defense, I used to cry very easily.

Hey Blonde Tina!
Anywho, I gave that jellybean a ride home from work one night and she, very reluctantly I'm sure, invited me into her house for a beer to thank me, and I never left her couch.  Well, sometimes I slept on the kitchen counter, but that's neither here nor there nor sanitary. 

There couldn't have been two more different people in that restaurant.  I was a blonde, tan, once a week pedicure and manicure getting, princess.  And she had only painted her nails once, not even both hands, and had never even dyed her hair.  EVER.  I didn't even know people like that still existed, except for babies.  But one of the many nights I refused to leave her house we found out we actually did have some things in common.   We liked a lot of the same music.  Sure I couldn't get her to memorize Britney Spears choreography with me, but The Black Kids are playing at The Social?  We're all over that.

Kind of Blonde Tina
And we'll add Radiohead, The Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails, and She Wants Revenge to our concert list, too.

We were both sports nuts.  Her choice in college football teams is disgusting, but we could both wallow in the misery that is being a Dolphins fan together.  I wasn't really a big basketball fan at the time, so she took me out to a bar one night and explained the rules to me so I could talk shit to Celtics fans.  She's not a big baseball fan, and refuses to compromise, so I still enjoy that sport by myself.

She didn't just teach me what a technical foul is though.  She taught me how to make a Mint Julep, how to play countless drinking games, how to ride the bus, and how to play pool. 

You'll have to excuse my guns.
The playing pool part was particularly fun, because nothing was more satisfying than going to a bar and being challenged by two dudes to a game of pool and kicking their asses.  Well, for the full month I was actually any good.

She's also a fantastic wing man.  She helped me bag that dude I've been living with for the past three years.

We have been inseparable since we met and I forced her into being friends with me.  She has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life, been apart of some of the best, and shares my love of naps.

A couple years after we woke up from that nap we became the proud owners of one of the cutest babies in town.

She has full custody and won't let me put my name on the birth certificate, but she does let me hang out with him fairly often, he just happens not to be the size of a grapefruit anymore.

So, why am I telling you our love story?  Because the bitch just left me.  Yep.  She is currently in a UHaul on her way to Montana.  No, I didn't stutter.  Mon-tan-a.  And she didn't have the courtesy to leave me the baby.  So, for the next three years, I have to make my own grown up decisions, change my own flat tires, and pretend to know what the hell is going on in basketball.  Which means, I will now be directing all important decisions to the boyfriend, investing in AAA, and just yelling at the TV when the Magic play because odds are they just missed a free throw.  All because she let some stupid boy put a ring on her finger.  It's ridiculous, because she knows she can borrow my jewelry anytime she wants.

So, now I'm left all alone.  Ok, not really.  I still have some really great friends down here and of course that boyfriend of mine, but Sheila knows how to handle me.  She knows how to talk me off a ledge, how to calm me down, and most importantly, how to shut me up.  So all you kiddies in Orlando have to answer my text messages when I don't know how to bake something, am 99% sure I have cancer, or when I need somebody to drink 18 boxes of wine with.  Sheila will be more than happy in assisting you guys in dealing with.  Just text or call, and make sure to let her know how much she sucks for leaving.

Good bye, my Sheila Shine.  There aren't enough words in the English language to express how much I'm going to miss you.  I know you're already looking forward to my 400+ text messages a day.  Also, I put a framed picture of us in one of your boxes.  Ok, fine, there's one in every single box. 

I promise to come visit.  But not when it's snowing.  Or during the holidays, because flights are more expensive.  Or during the summer, because there isn't a beach up there.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I got on a plane an hour ago.

Adios Amiga

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Busy Busy Bee

This week has been pretty exciting so far.  B Girl's new song hit up iTunes right at midnight starting the week off just perfectly.

And you know I love it.  Makes me want to never stop dancing, which I think is her plan for world domination or something.  It's working girl, it's working. 

I spent Tuesday celebrating the birthday of the boyfriend. 

Well, kind of.  I had to work the actual night of his birthday, so we drank some beers and shoved our bocas full of Mexican food the night before.  The day of, I took his cute little ass to our favorite Greek restaurant for lunch and gave him his birthday present, which was not what he asked for because he still never told me what he wanted.  So, if you happen to see him and ask him if he likes his present and he says 'no' you should tell him that's what he gets for not giving me any direction.  You should also smack him in the head and tell him he's unappreciative. 

You know what else happened on Tuesday?  I found my favorite Fall thing to date.  Pumpkin Covered Pretzels.  You heard me.  They're like Chocolate Covered Pretzels but Pumpkin.  Sure, maybe I've spent more money on those suckers than any person should ever spend on any single food item, but you should try them.  They're at The Fresh Market if you want to buy some, because you can't have mine. I probably won't even be sharing those with my mother. 

And we all know what happened yesterday.  iOS 7 happened.  That and I ate my weight in Fritos.  I've been on a strange Fritos kick since Saturday.  Can't get enough of them.  Anywho, I don't get fancy enough with my iPhone to notice any important changes with the update, but I do like the way the icons look, so thumbs up Apple.  Whatever.

And that's the best I can do for a post.  I've been drowning in baby shower planning, so my free time has been spent rolling burp cloths up to make swans or something and trying to remember when planning the menu not everybody steers clear of food with faces like me.  It's not about me.  It's not about me.  It's not about me. 

I going to need the boyfriend to stop needing celebrating and best friends to stop having babies so we can return to the regularly scheduled program that is me.  

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Happy Birthday, Boyfriend!

Today.  I have mixed emotions about today.  On one hand, my favorite boy in all the land, celebrates his 29th birthday.  I love his birthday, because it means he's still here, alive,  hanging out with me.  On the other hand, it's not my birthday, so there's that.  I will push my jealousy aside though, to tell you 29 things that I love about him.  I promise this will be bearable and not include sappy things like 'I love the way he looks at me', but I do.  I do love the way he looks at me.  Hey, there's number one.

2.  He always shares his candy with me.  That's important because I love candy so I always want some, and he loves candy so it's kind of a big deal that he actually let's me have some of his.  The first time he ever shared a Reese's with me?  That may have been the first time I told him I loved him, too. Why?  Because Reese's are the biggest deal to him out of all the candy food.

3.  He opens stuff for me.  I hate to admit it, but when it comes to jars, bottles, cans, whatever, I'm kind of a helpless girl.  Just the other day, I couldn't even open a can of black beans even with a can opener.  Enter the birthday boy, and viola.  Sure, I may have gotten a 'how did you ever survive without me' look, but I was eating some black beans 20 minutes later.

4.  He thinks he's funny.  I mean, I think he's funny, too, but he cracks himself up the most.  On a daily basis.  I love it.

5.  He thinks I'm funny.  Nothing pleases me more than when I can genuinely crack him up.  I'm pretty good at doing it, and he'll openly admit he thinks I'm funny.  Well, at least to me, anyway.

6.  He saves purple stuff for me.  Grape flavored stuff is my jam.  His too.  I also like grape jam.  He would never eat the last grape Popsicle.  That's all of mine.  He did, however, have a friend over the other day who ate one.  I hope he's broke the news to said friend that they can longer speak.

7.  He likes cats.   It took me six years of living in Orlando to find a guy who isn't allergic to cats and actually likes them.  Just so happened, that same guy had a million other things going for him.

8.  He has pet names for the pets.  He refers to our cats as 'Big Kitty' and 'Little Kitty' instead of their actual names.  Makes me giggle.

9.   He's a Dolphins fan.  This is extra important because it helps me put up with the fact that he's an FSU and Rays fan.  I'm working on fixing that.  Don't worry.

10.  He's gotten better at noticing haircuts.  If you have a brother, father, husband, ANY male in your life, you know how much they suck at doing this. He's actually noticed the last two changes in hair color or length.  Once, he even said he liked a haircut when I hadn't even gotten one.  So, maybe he doesn't actually notice so much as just guess every few months.  Whatever.  Makes me feel pretty.

Here's a cute picture of us for intermission.

Let's continue.

11.  He fights clean.  Kind of.  We don't really fight.  Ever.  I know, I know.  His biggest insult toward me to date is 'You know, I don't even read your blog!'  That actually kind of stung.  If he doesn't read this, then maybe this should have been '29 Things That Make Me Want To Punch Him'.

12.  He's an excellent gift giver.  I don't need to explain this.  He gets me awesome presents without having to ask me what I want.  That's at the top of every girl's list.
13.  He has an awesome family.  Getting along with your significant other's family is just as important as getting along with him or her.  His family is amazing. 

14.  He spares my feelings.  I'm a much much better baker than I am a cook.  Early in our relationship, when I thought I had to impress him with other things than just being awesome, I used to make him dinner every night.  Good or bad, he would eat all of it.  If it was bad he would just ask me a few weeks later not to make it again.  He would never once say he didn't like it.

15.  He's an excellent cook.  Where I lack in the cooking department, he makes up for, times a million.  Thanks for those extra 12 pounds, babe!

16.  He puts the toilet seat down.  This wins everything.  If you live with a boy, be jealous of me.  

17.   He leaves me notes.  That will work over flowers any day of the week.  They're even better if he drinks before writing them.  Sure, it's legible, but are we sure that's a word, babe?

18.  He's calm.  This works, because I'm kind of a nut job, for lack of a better term.  Actually, that's just what people like to call people like me.  He is seriously the yin to my yang.  (Gross, did I just say that?)  One time, he started a fire while cooking pork chops, and just threw another pork chop on there instead of panicking.  I would have passed out and burnt the house down.  Actually, I wouldn't have been making pork chops, because it comes from a cute pig, but you get the point.

19.  He deals with the little vegetarian in me.  He actually gets double points for this, because I was vegan for the first eight-ish months we dated.  And he was more than happy to frequent vegan restaurants with me and perfected a decent amount of critter free dinners for me as well.  He still makes sure there is always something for me to eat if we're going to a cook out or camping or anywhere else that isn't big on guilt free food for me.

20.  I like his friends.  His friends are like brothers to me.  I can count on them for anything, joke around with them, cry to them, and get drunk with them.  They also give me an excuse for another picture break.

Alright kids, nine more to go.

21.  He always lets me have the last bite.  This is probably definitely the glue that holds us together, because I. Love. Food.

22.  He can make a sandwich out of anything.  Think of something that shouldn't be made into a sandwich.  He's made it into one and it's been delicious. It's a very special talent of his that I love so much.

23.  He's friendly.  Naturally, he's nice to me, but he also has managed to get all of our neighbors on his good side and they LOVE him.  They mow our grass without us asking, leave us beer they think we might like on our doorstep, all kinds of fun stuff.  And that's all his doing.  I started baking them cookies way after we were getting favors.

24.  He lets me do what I want.  There's so much trust between us, it's almost ridiculous.  There are never any doubts between us or any questions that need to be asked.  Plus, I don't really remembered what happened in Vegas anyways.

25.  He made me grow my hair out.  I spent the past three years complaining about this.  Long hair is hot and time consuming and expensive.  But now I love it and my hair looks fantastic.  Good idea, honey.

26.  He corrects my grammar.  This would normally drive me nuts, but honestly, it just proves that he is intelligent and actually listening to me.  I'm just saying, there is no way you can tell somebody just ended a sentence in a preposition unless you were paying close attention.  Which is nice, since a certain best friend of mine frequently admits she doesn't listen to me most of the time.  Go ahead, move to Montana.

27.  He thinks about me.  We don't get a lot of time together, so any communication is important.  He likes to email me funny memes, or recipes I might like/should cook for him, or things I might like to buy.  It's nice knowing that I cross his mind when we're not together.  It's perfectly fine that it takes any and all cat videos or a list of 85 Nutella Recipes for me to pop into his head.  Whatever works.

28.  He knows that 'no' means 'yes'.  Anytime he goes to fast food restaurant, he asks me if I want anything.  I, being a female on a never ending diet, always so 'no thanks', and he always returns with french fries.  I usually make out like a bandit and get the rest of his, too.

29.   He has fantastic taste in women.  Obviously.

Happy happy birthday to my sweet, wonderful, silly, smart, witty, loving, amazing boyfriend.  The only day that even holds a candle (get it?) to this day is the day I was lucky enough to meet you.  Oh, and I like the way I look at you, too.

Now, let's go to lunch you sweet boy, because my liver still hurts from celebrating this weekend.

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Dreaded Bye Week

Here we are.  Coming off of a particular fantastic win last weekend, against the Gators, in case any of you guys forgot, I'm ready for some more mother f-in' Hurricane football.  (They're the team that beat the Gators last week, in case you forgot, again)   But, when I check the schedule to see who we get to beat this weekend (but not the Gators, because we already beat them) there was a big giant sad face on the schedule.  Well, not really, but if they let girls write the schedules there would be.

I usually don't mind bye weeks, because I also happen to be a Clemson fan, so I can just watch them kick some ass instead, but they aren't playing this weekend.  So, for today's purposes, bye weeks are stupid.  You guys don't need a break.  You play one game a week.  You know what happens when you let a bunch of Miami players off for a weekend?  THEY GET INTO TROUBLE.  Just ask everybody who likes to make fun of our less than stellar, or impressive, depending on who you ask, criminal record.  If you would give us something to do, like, I don't know, play a football game, you could probably save the Miami tax payers a lot of money.  Plus, I'm sure jail is a scary place for some of those guys.

Ok, well maybe scary for the waterboy and a handful of cheerleaders, but whatever.

Thankfully, I won't need to resort to criminal shennanigans to pass the time of my Hurricane less weekend, because I get to celebrate my favorite FSU (gross) fan's birthday.  I would like to take the time now to thank him for having an appropriately timed birthday.  Thanks, babe!

So, I guess bye weeks are ok, when appropriately timed.  I mean, it's not like I need football to give me an excuse to drink, although doing a shot for every Gator turnover last week was FUN.  They come in handy when you don't want to be that asshole that checked 'no' on an wedding RSVP, because your teams playing their in-state rival that weekend.  Or maybe you don't want to be that jerk that drops off a present at your sister's baby shower, and then run home to paint your face orange and blue so you can watch your team lose.  Or maybe Idon't want to end up single because football and my boyfriend's birthday plans aren't exactly in the correct order on my priority list.

Just make your sure friends, family, and super awesome boyfriend are polite enough to hop on and check out the schedules before planning anything important.  If they love and care about you, they'll arrange their life around football.  I mean, Jesus is thoughtful enough to have church over before football starts on Sundays.

So, all you guys enjoy your football games, I'll be sitting in the woods, drinking straight from the bottle box of wine and peeing outside.

Beat the Gators!

Oh wait.
Venus Trapped in Mars