Monday, April 28, 2014


Happy Monday, kiddos!  Are you guys ready to kill me yet since I can actually say that and mean it since I don't work on Mondays.?  Yeah, well get over it, and get back to work!  (After you read this, of course.)  I had a mixed emotions weekend.  My great aunt passed away last week and her funeral was over the weekend.  My dad's side of the family happens to have nailed the whole longevity thing when it comes to living, so she got a nice solid 92 years out of life.  So, while it's horrible seeing family in pain, I think we all took comfort in knowing she got plenty out of life in every way possible.  The good thing to come out of this weekend though?
I got to hang out my absolute favorite man in the world.  I wish I could bottle the mood I'm in when I get to spend time with my dad and give it to all you guys.  The world would be all peace, love, and puppies.  Seriously.  Somebody asked me why I was in such a good mood if I had just come from a funeral, and it's because of that dude.  I just love to be around my dad.  Also, he gave me vodka, but that's not the point.

It's funny how relationships with your parents change as you get older.  I don't love my dad any differently or any more than I ever had before, our relationship is just different.  When you're finally an adult I feel like you can actually have a friendship with your parents.  My dad wasn't my friend when I was 13.  What 40 year old man would have a 13 year old friend?  Weird, right?  I'm 13, tell me to quit being a smart ass and give me some money.  Now that I'm finally an adult (or something slightly resembling one) I can have real conversations with him, I have things in common with him, and we can swap tips on how to sneak liquor into places. 
Probably some booze under his hat.
It's just nice picking up the phone and shooting the shit with my dad.  Or bumming around the living room swapping stories instead of stock conversations about school, sports, or if I'm behaving for my mom.  I have a good relationship with him because I choose to because I'm an adult (yeah, I said it again) and nobody can force me into anything.  It's interesting to discover all the things I have in common with him now and all the different ways I act and think like him. 

I hope everybody is lucky enough to get along with their parents like that.  Especially people my age, because our parents are getting older guys. Ok, he's not really that old, but you know what I mean.  Time goes by way too fast.  Those two pictures feel like they were taken a month apart, not 25 years.  Enjoy the people who gave you life.  And let them know frequently that you do.  I hope you're all lucky enough to have a dad who mixes a drink like that guy does too. 


(Because I can get drunk on a Monday, suckers.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Terrible Twos

I always assumed the 'Terrible Twos' referred to shithead human children.  Makes sense that they would start to suck when they hit two since now they can talk and walk, so not only can they talk back, but they can also walk away from you after using their new ability to form complete sentences to sass you.  That's why people get pets.  Train them right, and train them early, and you'll usually have no problems with them aside from the occasional throwing up on the carpet.  And that's more or less been the case in my household.  I mean, the pets are pretty spoiled, but they listen.  Except somebody has a birthday in exactly two weeks.  And somebody will be two years old on that birthday.  And somebody sucks now.

She's talking about me, guys.

My sweet sweet middle child has lost her mind.  Where she used to listen, she now turns her back and pretends to not hear me for a few minutes before she eventually gives in and does as she is told.  And I'm almost positive I see her roll her eyes when this happens.  This is particularly embarrassing when we're at the dog park and I tell her it's time to leave and then spend the next ten minutes as free entertainment for the other suckers dog owners there as I chase her around in circles attempting to put her leash on her.  Think about how dumb a dog looks when he's chasing his own tail and times that by a million.

Trust me guys, she looks real dumb.
I used to take a lot of pride in the fact that Joey was much much quieter than your average dog.  No obnoxious barking when I come home from work at six in the morning.  No scaring new visitors with a bark that sounds a lot more menacing than the actual dog.  No sitting in the backyard barking at a squirrel in a tree because it won't come down for hours upon hours.  Not only has Joey found her voice, she pretty much just uses it to insult people.  Wearing a regular t-shirt and shorts at the dog park?  You're safe from Joe's barks.  Anything else?  Open season.  She takes serious offense to tie dye (but who doesn't?), dreadlocks, any type of hat, skateboards, vests (don't ask), and basically any thing she doesn't see on a regular basis.  When one person is dressed the slightest bit differently, Joey makes sure to point it out to everybody within a two mile radius by following them around and barking at them.  The good news is, she'll most likely never let me leave the house dressed like an idiot.  The bad news is, I'm apparently raising an extremely intolerant dog. 

We're also still having a problem with thievery.  I don't foresee this ever getting better.  She thinks the world is her dog park and everything is her toy.  If you're playing with something, she most certainly wants it.  I can typically find her being chased by the previous owner of whatever is in her mouth at the time. 

And this is progressively getting worse too.  She will now stop playing with something just to go steal the same exact thing from another poor, unsuspecting dog. 

Am I crazy?  Or do dogs really go through 'terrible twos'?  I mean, we could just blame it on the spoiling and constant attention finally getting to her head.  But I'm choosing to believe I'm an excellent parent and she's just choosing to be an asshole right now.

Guys, did you even notice my mom is a blonde now??

No, seriously, have any of you guys had the same problem?  Also, her spots are getting darker, but I'm almost 100% sure that has nothing to do with her behavior. 

Over and out.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Fool Me Once...

Happy April Fools' Day!  This tricky little holiday is definitely my least favorite..  First of all, I am very easily tricked, so I would prefer not to own up to all the times somebody (everybody) has gotten me on this bastard of a holiday, and second of all, I'm not very good at playing jokes on people, because I usually start crying or laughing two seconds in.  So, enjoy today all you jokesters, but leave me out of it, I don't need help feeling stupid.  I am a very easy target though, if you're looking. 

This holiday was much much easier to navigate in middle school.  You could go ahead and bet your life on not believing a single word out of anybody's mouth.  Your best friend says she's moving?  Not a chance.  P.E. cancelled for the day? You bet your chubby little ass you'll still be running laps.  Brother wants to clean your room for you?  LIES.  Now that I'm an 'adult', it's not that simple.  When a fellow adult gives me some information on this day I never know what to do. 

They would be silly to play a joke today, I mean, this person has a mortgage and a baby.  GROW UP.

Wait, would I be silly to believe them?  I mean, it is a day dedicated to fooling people.

No seriously, they're in their 30s.  This isn't a joke.

But, this is how they get people, right?

Ok, no, I would bet my Disney princess shirt and Harry Potter wand that this person is too mature for an April Fools' Day joke.

...DAMMIT! Every. Time!

I can't actually be this dumb.

But I am. 

It's part of my charm.  That's what I tell myself anyways. Whatever.

You know what April Fools' Day joke I like to play on myself?  That bag of Doritos, mashed potatoes, glass of wine, half a snickers, and half a pint of ice cream I had last night for dinner isn't currently throwing a party in my thighs.  Wait, April Fools' Day joke?  I meant normal eating habits.  I also just spelled 'habit' like 'rabbit', so the real joke is that some of you guys think I'm a literate person.  That might be the best April Fools' Day joke of them all.  I was able to let that joke carry me through five years and two degrees of college, so who is actually the fool?

Me.  It's still me.

Leave me alone today, guys.  I'm too easy of a target.  Challenge yourself, and go for somebody who doesn't regularly put her shoes on the wrong feet.