Sunday, July 7, 2013

Your Ass Is Mine, J. Timb.

So, if we're buddies in real life or via the Facebook or Instagram, I'm sure I've obnoxiously made you aware that next month, myself and my two very favorite babes are taking off to Miami to go see Mr. Justin Timberlake.

I could die.  Not only are going to see him, we are sitting in seats that are probably wayyyyyy too close for his safety.  Seriously. Me. Dead.  I've been preparing myself for this moment since this:

Yes, I have loved him even through what is clearly his lesbian stage.  
He is definitely going to lock eyes with me from the second row and have me come back stage.  If that doesn't happen, and I'm not worried, I plan an faking a heart attack.  It's kind of like being at the hospital, right?  If I have chest pains he has to see me immediately.  So, I have prepared a list (which will eventually be made into a power point presentation) of reasons why he would be much happier with me than with Jessica Biel that girl.

1.  I know all the lyrics to all of your songs

Every last one.  I bought the new album on iTunes AND from Target, so I even have you covered on the bonus tracks if you forget the words to any of your songs while you're on tour.  You feel like singing SeƱorita?  I'm way fluent(ish) in the Spanish.  Are you dipping into the 'No Strings Attached' song pool? (Please, God.) I even have you covered on the dance moves.  I saw your 'wife' dancing to one of your songs once.  She wasn't even following the choreography.  And I'm pretty sure she was just dancing because Jay-Z got her drunk.

Can we say 'drinking problem'?

2. I look really good in blue and orange

(Not the two colors together, of course. Gross.)  Let's say the Titans or the Vols are playing and the Dolphins and the Hurricanes are on a bye week or playing at a different time, I can totally rock those colors for you.

You guys have a basketball team, right?  I think they're blue.  I don't really follow basketball so I'm not sure, but if you love it, I will learn to.  We're both in it for the nachos and the kiss cam anyways, right?

3.  I love to eat

No (tons of) offense to the misses, but I'm pretty sure I ate more between the hours of eleven and twelve last night than she ate in all of 2012.  Jessica, your husband owns a restaurant for Pete's sake.  GET FAT.  I would be a walking advertisement for Southern Hospitality.  People would look at me and think 'Yeah, that girl's definitely hitched to somebody who owns a restaurant or nine'.  Then, they would ask me all about it.  Free advertising. 

Listen, I'm not telling you what to do, but I am telling you to leave your wife and marry me.  But there a couple of things you should know:

1.  I'm keeping my boyfriend

First of all, we're in a lease, and I would let you buy us out of it, but you're going to need to save that money for buying me presents.  Second,  I like him.  A lot.  Maybe you guys could be friends.  His hair gets a little curly when it grows out.  Talk about that.

2.  I'm really not going for your football teams

I know you think I look really beautiful in those colors, and I'll rock them, but I'm not wearing blue or orange unless the word, Miami, Atlanta, Braves, Dolphins, or Hurricanes is located somewhere on me.  Sorry.  Time for you to start making better decisions when it comes to sports.

3.  Change your dog's name

We're obviously getting custody of all of the dogs, because if there's anything I love more than a ridiculously successful ex-boy bander, it's puppies.  But, since your wife is clearly so threatened by me, she named one of her dogs 'Tina'.  We can totally keep her, but maybe we call her 'Jessica'.

P.S.  We're not wearing matching outfits, ever.

Unless, of course this was your idea.  Then I love it.  We can wear them at the wedding.


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