Friday, July 19, 2013

The Dating Game

Oh, dating.  I think everybody has a love/hate relationship with the idea.  Now, I am quite the lucky duck to have the wonderful boyfriend that I have, but when you're attached, there's a lot less 'dating' and a lot more 'sitting on the couch wondering if he's going to let you have that last crab rangoon' (he totally lets me every time).   Many of the romantic stories I here nowadays, whether they be first hand accounts from friends, or magazine articles, seem to start out with online dating.  I could never.  Kudos to you guys who can though.  One time a random guy started a game of Dice with Friends with me on my phone and by the third game he wanted to know if I wanted a picture of his you know what.  Ummm, no thanks.  Pull your pants up and roll a large straight, kid.  That's about as close as I've come to online dating.  For the sake of you guys who participate in this way of breaking the ice, I hope it's better than that.

Anywho, so one night, the reason I'm not hanging out on and I were on a date  sitting on the couch watching something I'm sure I had no say so in, when a commercial came on.  Commercial time is usually time for potty breaks or refill my bowl of ice cream breaks, but we couldn't tear our eyes away from what the little people on the TV screen were trying to sell us on:

You guys have all seen it.  You're probably used to it by now.  But, you have to admit, the first time you saw that commercial you gave your television a funny look.  I understand dating websites catered to sexual preference, or religious preference, but do you farmers really have to date only each other?  Sure I like my lattes and Steve Maddens, but I grow my own food I've eaten a tomato or two out of my backyard.  Who says I don't want somebody else to grow that food for me?  I'm sure as shit not doing it.  But I mean really, is there some twenty something year old girl sitting out on 200 acres of land in Texas who can't just snag some dude at a rodeo or feed store?  I mean, if there's some online shopping for some lovin' in a corn field, what the heck else can the internet give us when looking for love?

First of all, you know those crazy dooms day preppers have their own dating website/gang/cult.  Every time I watch that show I always think 'how does somebody get that crazy?'.  More importantly, how does somebody that crazy find somebody equally as nutty to marry and get them agree to figure out how to turn dryer lint into breakfast?  They definitely do need their own dating website if they aren't scared of the Internet.  I don't want any of my poor friends accidentally landing one of those crazy faces.  Well, one you guys can.  If they're right, I'll need a basement to do my crossword puzzles in.

We also need a dating website based on phobias.  Your girl is TERRIFIED of birds.  Don't know how or why, but they give me mini panic attacks anytime I think I see one.  You know what's amazing about my S.O.?  He hates birds too.  It's so nice knowing he won't one day blindside me by asking to put an aviary in the backyard, but I didn't know this when we first met.  By the time I found out, I was already in love and in too deep if he did decide to turn my backyard into a Stephen King novel.  If I would have met him on or I wouldn't have to even question this, I would just already know. 

How about a dating website that hooks you up with people who are fans of the same sports team?  I met David in a bar, fell in love before football season started, and now have to deal with this:

I spend all of each football season trying to free of him of those horrible horrible Florida State clothes.  And not in a fun way.  I wish I would have met him on something like or  But now I'm stuck trying to show my support and actually wearing garnet and gold during certain games.  If those websites were available to me, maybe I wouldn't be stuck selling my soul and wearing a Seminole head on my shirt sometimes.  Love makes you do gross things.

I'd like to say there should be websites based on what types of animals you love too, but I think things would go from trying to find a soul mate to weird and illegal in about four seconds, depending on the speed of your Internet connection.  Don't go there.  If you want to meet somebody who loves dogs in the perfectly appropriate way you do, you should wear some short shorts to the dog park, but maybe stay off  Forgive me for that.  I think I'm funnier than I actually am sometimes all the time. That's why you guys should be thankful I'm off the market and you don't have to date me. 

Happy Hunting.

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