Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Let's Take a Walk

Hi there! Happy happy Wednesday! Excuse the overeager greeting, I just wanted to say something really positive before I shit on your day like an ASPCA commercial.  Sorry.  So, as some of you may know, I am meeting my friend Justin Timberlake down in MIA next month.

As you can imagine, I randomly squeal in excitement throughout my day.  So there were a few hiccups along the way when planning the trip, but once everything was settled down, my two best friends were no longer heading down south with me.  I hate it.  But when you're an adult, life gets in the way of happiness sometimes.  Anyways, so Shannon, who was originally supposed to come with, is currently in Jamlando hanging out with family, including her ten year old half sister.  You want to hear a fun little fact?  She doesn't know who Justin Timberlake is.

Yep.  I didn't understand it either, but then I realized NSYNC was never a band while she was alive.  I'll take 'things that make me feel like a million years old for 100, Alex'.  How is this even possible?  I had an intelligent conversation with this girl while floating down the lazy river.  Is she that young?  Am I that old?  Should I have responded when the AARP accidentally sent me an application?  So, this got me thinking.  What other things from our youth did this cute little fifth grader miss out on?

1.  She only knows William Shatner as the Priceline guy and not the host of Rescue 911.

This show was my jam when I was a kid.  Nothing brought my family together like watching other families go through the worst moments of their lives.  This show is the reason I always remove my jacket before I get on an escalator.  Look it up.  This show also ended a full seven years before little half sister was even born.  Ouch.

2.  She will never have to use a Discman.

Now you might see this as a good thing for her, but I learned a lot from using one of those bad boys, mostly about balance.  It's easy as pie to strap an iPod to your arm and take off for a bike ride or a run, you know what's not so easy?  Riding a bike and holding your Discman.  Well, maybe not for you.  I could ride for miles with my Discman balanced on my knee without incident.  Do you know how hard that was to master?  Or how many of those things I dropped and ruined trying to do this?  Now I can't even hold a pen without dropping it, so I'm not entirely sure where that talent of balance ran off to.  The first iPod was released two years before she made her appearance into the world.

3.  She will never get diabetes or a heart arrhythmia from Surge.

My mom should have bought stock in this shit.  I'm sure the calories in this drink is 75% of the reason yours truly was an 180 pound middle school-er.  No lie.  I couldn't get enough of this stuff.  And don't get me cans, mom, save me a trip to the fridge and just buy me two liters.  I was reallllllly good at being a fat kid.  I'll write you guys a post all about that one day.  Anyway, they stopped selling this stuff the year she was born.

4.  Another reason I was a little porker when I was younger?

You'll have to forgive the picture, but these suckers are so old and forgotten this was the best I could find.  The only thing I love more than a regular Cheeto is one shaped like a little animal paw.  I know, not very vegetarian of me, but this was at least 15 years ago, cut me some slack.

5.  When I was ten years old I thought I had some big time secrets.  If anybody found any of these secrets that would be the end of me.  Where does an adolescent go to lock away her chubby little secrets?

Miss Talkback Dear Diary.  I would pay a lot of money to find that thing, enter my 'mrstaylorthomas' password, and make fun of that nerdy little girl.  There is bound to be some good shit in there.  I mean, a boy kissed me behind a chair at church the same day I prank called all the Jeffersons in the phone book.  Who was I supposed to tell these kind of things too?  My best friend moved away in kindergarten, I had to talk to somebody.  I mean, poor little girl might have to start a blog herself to talk through her issues. 

Take a look at all those things.  Remember them?  Still have some of them?  Yeah, she's never seen them.  Probably never heard of them.  You, if you're reading this, are old.  Way old.  You should probably go grab a drink, since you're old enough to do so, to make yourself feel better.  It'll probably take a lot of drinks to drink that kind of pain away, plus you've built up quite the tolerance since you've probably been old enough to drink for the better part of a decade.

See you guys on the other side...soon.

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