Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Polar Bears, Flying Squirrels, and Puppies, Oh My!

Your girl turns 27 in exactly one week.  Hey-o!  That's right, Tina, wave to your 12-year-old self as she wonders if those two cats she can see are the only ones you have.  They are.  Shove it, you brat.  So, what would I like for my birthday?  I'm so glad you asked!  Le boyfriend is pretty amazing at surprises so he won't even let me give him a list.  Color me excited.  A lot of the time it's not even something I remember asking for but I always always love it.  It's like he actually listens to me or something.  It freaks me out.  Anywho, on to what you kiddies can get me.  On a scale of zero to practical, hardly any of these will fall on that list, so bare with me:

1. Cheese of the Month Club Membership
 Eleven out of ten of my favorite foods involve cheese.  And I love them all:  Gouda, Munster, Goat, Manchega.  If I try and cheese and I don't like it, I just keep eating it until I do. I know.  Nothing would make me happier than somebody delivering cheese to my door once a month, except for maybe somebody delivering it to my door once a day.  Okay, twice a day.  Every hour, on the half hour.

2. Polar Bear

Okay, I'm not a total idiot.  I'm fully aware I do not have the room in my backyard for a polar bear.  Also, I have trouble keeping the dog and cats out of the garden, I doubt anything weighing more than me is going to take me seriously when I tell it to get away from the  jalapeños.  What I'm simply asking for, is somebody with the connections to get me in a room with a very very tranquilized one so I can give it a hug.

This dude is BEGGING for some snuggle time.  That cute little face up there is not afraid to eat a human though, so I will need some heavy duty Nyquil slipped into the blood of whatever he's devouring that day to make sure I make it to 28 years old with all of my limbs.

3.  Little Nemo:  Adventures in Slumberland

Have you seen this movie?!  This is hands down my favorite movie of all time, including any and all movies involving dinos, mermaids, and the magical slice of heaven that is Joaquin Phoenix.  This movie also scares the absolute piss out of me.  Trust me, watch it.  It's frightening.  I can never find it in store, so if one of you lovely babies could hop on over to Amazon, that would be great.  Side note:  I'd also like a flying squirrel.  Don't ask, WATCH THE MOVIE.

4.  The Walking Dead

And no, I don't want Seasons 1-3 on DVD (although I wouldn't say no to that), I want to be a zombie for a day.

And I was nice enough to go ahead and write an episode for the show all about how one motorcycle riding, bow and arrow wielding gentleman falls in love with a reformed zombie who doesn't want to eat your face so much as make out with it.  I mean, they killed off Andrea, all the female viewers need another female character to hate, might as well be me.

5:  PUPPIES!!!!

But I want them all to look, act, and smell like my Joey.  Some of you guys went to college, right?  Clone my Joey.  Fourteen times.  And then I want them all to live to be 100.

If you need my address, let me know.  But only for shipping purposes, not if you're coming over to rain on my parade and tell me I can't have most of these.

P.S.  I would also like whoever invented Candy Crush's  head on a stick.  Thanks.

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