Monday, July 29, 2013

Mean Girls

My weekend wasn't anywhere near as busy as the past couple have been.  No birthdays, baby parties, or friends visiting to celebrate.  The boy headed out to the river early Saturday morning, leaving me to sleep in get woken up by the fur babies after a solid four hours of sleep.  So, like any other twenty something year old senorita would do when she was left to her own devices, I cleaned the shit out of my house.

Pretty exciting stuff, huh?  It had to be done though.  I mean, I've kept up with day to day cleaning like laundry and dishes and sweeping, I'm not a complete animal, but I'd venture to guess that it's been at least a solid two months since I've actually been able to clean my house.  I know.  I can hear all of you over 25 year olds gasp and those of you under 25 wonder what the big deal is.  It was bad in here.  Child Protective Services were coming any day to take the kids away.  I could feel it.  You know what Ms. White up there led me to believe?  I could clean my house with, what looks to be, about 15 animals running around.  You know what, Tina?  They'll even help you.  HORSESHIT.  I have three little ladies in my house that turned about three hours worth of cleaning into an all day extravaganza.  I'm trying to keep one baby out of the bleach, while another takes off with the mop.  And one of them, I won't point fingers, forgot she was house broken.

It was me.

Animals pretty much suck when you're trying to get anything done.  Well, except for playing.  My babes are pretty much the best at that.  So, thanks Disney Princess.  Thanks for letting me think life would be made easier with pets.  Better?  Yes.  Easier?  Go to hell.

I'd like to thank you royal ladies for a few other ways you've fooled me.

This.  This cannot be done in a bath tub.  Now, I realize Ariel's not in a bath tub, but how was I supposed to know that?  I wasn't really that smart until I was like eight.  It was probably charming when you normal sized little girls tried to recreate that magic moment.  You know what happens when a chunky little girl tries to?  A big fat mess. We eventually needed to replace our bathroom floor and I am 100% sure it had something to do with a little water damage from my 'Part of Your World' solos.  Sorry, mom.

Nobody is that graceful losing a shoe when they leave a party.  First of all, if I'm appropriately drunk, I'm not wearing shoes when I leave a party.  Second of all, you know what happened the last time I ran out of a party in heels, Cinderelly?

On crutches for a week.  And I had already trapped the boyfriend, so I didn't get a boy with a castle out of the deal either.  Just an ice pack and some Extra Strength Tylenol.

This bitch.  You can all guess how I feel about not having a tiger.  Least fair thing in my life.  Even less fair than not having a polar bear.  Also, I look exactly the same with or without a hoodie on.  How does that chicken trick an entire kingdom into thinking she's a totally different person just by covering her head?  There are quite a lot of conversations I'd like to disguise myself out of on a regular basis.


And I will never ever twerk like that Native American Princess.

You lying bitches.

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