Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Rantin' and a Ravin'

I am quite possibly the easiest person in the world to get along with.  I'm friends with people I probably shouldn't be friends with, and am entirely too forgiving 100% of the time.  I couldn't hold a grudge if you actually taped it to my hand.  I mean, you have to actually set out to piss me off to make it happen.  And even then, unless you're really committed, you're probably just going to bug me for like five minutes and then I'm over it.  I like to brag about how much my boyfriend and I get along, but let's be honest, NOBODY gets along that well.  Girls are annoying and boys say dumb shit, I just don't get mad that easily.  I find anger to be the most wasteful human emotion of life.  If you get angry with me and start yelling all you're going to get is a crying 27 year old.

Trust me, it'll get you nowhere.  I'm not going to yell back at you or anything because I just don't have that in me, and you definitely won't get anything accomplished. 

That being said, there a handful of really dumb things that will make me want to hit you with a baseball bat.  Maybe more than once.  Some of these I don't have to deal with any longer (thank God) and some I've dealt with already this morning.

1.  Using your cell phone when talking to a costumer service employee

In line at Publix?  At Subway?  Ordering your food at Chili's?  GET OFF YOUR PHONE.  I think this pretty much drives everybody nutty.  I literally hang up in the middle of a conversation without saying good bye if I find my waiter has returned to get my order sooner than I expected.  During my 75 years working at Subway, I would actually skip somebody in line if they were on their phone.  Don't ask me how I got away with that.  I should have been fired from there at least 18 different times a year.

2.  Whistling at My Dog

This applies specifically while I'm running/walking her.  My dog is decently trained, and listens fairly well to me, but she's still a dog, so if you whistle, she is going to respond.  You know what happens when she responds?  She almost runs into the road or yanks me so hard it lands me in the emergency room.  Stop it.  And if you're being really stupid and whistling at me?  Gross.  I just went for a run and you can see sweat in places that most girls probably don't even sweat in.  Yeah, get closer and take a whiff, too.  Get some higher standards, bud.

3.  Obeying Traffic Laws

This also mostly applies to when I'm going for a run.  I can't actually judge you when I'm in the car too, because I'm one of the world's worst drivers (what up, insurance company!).  I ALWAYS wait until that little buddy on the crosswalk light tells me to go.  ALWAYS.  I will stand there like an idiot for 30 minutes waiting for my turn if necessary.  Swear it.  You?  NO TURN ON RED.  That rule is there for a reason, lady in your white SUV.  It's there so you don't send me home to cry in my shower about how if I left my house one second earlier I would be dead.  Again.  And please don't wave me across the road like you're doing me a favor.  It's my turn, not yours.  This is coming from one middle child to obviously another middle child.

4.  Social Media Complainers

Aside from this binge post, I try to refrain from complaining too much.  I save it for three hour long conversations with my best friend.  I do not use Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest to vent.  Why do people complain about silly things anyways?  Show me a post about being angry that your mom has cancer or dog just died, I'm on board.  Complain away, because that actually really sucks.  Your boyfriend left you?  Good.  He sucked anyways and had some pretty questionable facial hair.  Having a long day at work?  Candy Crush just had an update.  Download and shut up.

5.  Obvious Questions

"Did you change your hair?"  Yes, BOYFRIEND, we sleep in the same bed, why is this even a question?  How do you now realize my hair color is different than it was three hours ago?  When people hear what I do for work their first question is 'so do you have to stay up all night?'.

This question seriously makes me crazy.  When I find out you work the night shift at Denny's I don't ask you if you stay awake all night.  Just like every other American, if I got to sleep at work I lose my job.  And like a percentage of Americans, if I fall asleep at work, someone might die.  So, no, I don't get paid the big bucks to take a nap.  I wish.  Maybe you're just trying to make conversation, but you should know I will talk your ear off about anything, you don't have to ask dumb questions.  Also, pertaining to my owl like sleep patterns, 'so, do you sleep during the day?'.  (Please refer to above gif)  I don't understand your question, and now I don't want to make conversation with you.

See?  Just avoid silly things like all of the above and we can besties.  Except for number one, that seriously drives everybody bat shit crazy.

This post brought to you by good ole P.M.S.

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