Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Think I'm Paranoid

I think I've decided this blog is actually going to be less about my pets and more about my very casual relationship with reality.  Not only do I occasionally (all the time) think I'll be wandering this great land with  dinosaurs sometime soon, I've allowed television to convince me that, at any given moment, somebody is plotting my death.  I have an absolutely unhealthy obsession with crime TV.  Criminal Minds, Law & Order, Dateline,  The First 48, you name it, I've had nightmares after a marathon of it.  They all scare me beyond any rational, sane level, but I love them.  Can't stop watching them.

I tell that little weird fact about me so I can tell this story:

So, today I'm minding my own business, going on the power struggle that is my everyday walk with Joey, when I notice a helicopter.  It's Orlando.  There's tons of traffic and other reasons for a helicopter to be flying around all the time, right?  No.  This helicopter?  Obviously looking for somebody who just went on a killing spree and is heading right for me.  Do I warn the mailman 1/2 a mile down the road?  Do I start knocking on doors and telling people?  WHAT DO I DO?!  This is my actual thought process.  After weighing my options, Joey and I hightailed it out of there.  We covered a little over a mile in seven minutes.  Nothing like a non-existent, crazed gunman on the loose to scare me into a little extra cardio.  After we were safely in my very locked up house, I turned the TV on and searched the Internet to see if they caught this crazy man, and believe it or not, he doesn't exist.

I would love to say this is the first time I've reacted to something like this, but it's not.  It's not even the second, third, or twentieth.  At least once a day I refuse to answer a knock on my front door, peak through my blinds with my phone ready to call 911, because somebody had the nerve to drive past my house more than once in a hour, or I yell at somebody walking too close (less than a mile) behind me when I'm jogging to 'Stop following me!'.

Do you have any idea how many episodes of Criminal Minds start out with a 20 something year old girl minding her business? ALL OF THEM.  They may not me running a story on Dateline about my husband trying to kill me, but that's only because I don't have one.  You just wait.  Somebody's husband will try one day....

I bet you guys didn't think when I started a blog you would be introduced to the actual nut job that is this crazy girl right here, did you?  It gets worse.  I hope you all have a new level of respect for my boyfriend.  He has his hands full over here.


  1. I have to say this is hysterical, everything you write/post is. If I had any idea you would have turned out so funny or cool 15-20 years ago I would have been nicer to you!

    1. Lol! I thought you were nice enough. And thank you!