Friday, June 21, 2013

Dear Pinterest

Dear Pinterest,

      We need to talk, girl.  Now, I'm not here to yell at you about how much time I waste on you.  Let's be honest, that's all my fault.  I know exactly how to find that little 'x' in the top right hand corner of my laptop and use it.  It's not your fault that it takes me roughly six hours to make use of that 'x', and immediately after doing so, I open you up on my phone.  You're the website, I'm the person, I should have the power.  But I don't, and that's just fine, because, like I said, I'm not here to yell about that.

You know what my problem is with you?  You're a big, fat liar and you have done a piss poor job of preparing me for life.  I was completely happy buying everything from Target and hanging out in a regular three bedroom house with my boyfriend and my pets. Until you came along, I didn't know I was able to pull our boat up to our house like this,

Our boat's sitting underneath a tree and smells funny.  Strike one.

Oh, I can put glitter on everything? Can I?!

Have you ever tried to do that while shacking up with a boy? It doesn't work.  Strike two.

Last week I made these

Did this

And then had to lie to the nurse at the hospital about my weight.  Jackass.  That's your third strike, but I have few more bones to pick with you.

Seriously? Have you ever tried to drink this many bottles of wine and then get crafty?  I have.  I almost lost a finger.

And last, but certainly not least, let's talk about this:

Ryan Gosling has never 'hey girled' anything on me.  I checked.  And the last time I inhaled a burrito I'm pretty sure my boyfriend thought about leaving me, and he loves me, so I doubt that Mr. Gosling would be sticking around after that.

You know where liars go, Pinterest?  Nowhere you can find on that Travel board of yours, that's for sure.

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