Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

So,  I almost died last night. Boyfriend, quit rolling your eyes.  I was eating dinner last night, and since I'm like a stupid cat, I always eat entirely too fast, and since I'm also dog-like, I hardly ever chew my food.  So, as you can imagine, I frequently almost choke to death during the happiest parts of my day.  

That's for those of you who don't care for me too much.  You're welcome, because it happens at least once a day.  I'm not entirely sure if it's because I think somebody is going to try to steal my food if I don't inhale it right away, or if I just get so excited about eating that I must have it all right then.  Or, the more obvious reason, I was some form of domesticated animal in a past life.  Whichever it is, my inability to put my safety above my taste buds just might do me in one day.  And that's not the only way I put my life in danger on a regular basis. 

One of the ways I know people like to manage their time is by brushing their teeth in the shower.  Me?  I like to save a few extra minutes by doing lunges and squats in the shower.  I mean, I'm just standing there, might as well use those extra fifteen minutes to sleep and just combine strength training and personal hygiene.  That's just an exercise video waiting to happen and you know it.  Remember, this was my idea, unless of course the release of said video is immediately followed by a lawsuit or twelve.  In that case, not my idea.  That Jillian Michaels, she made me do it.  So far, I've been able to successfully condition my hair while firming up my quads and tush, but it's only a matter of time before my plan to shorten up my morning routine ends with the boyfriend finding me on the bathroom floor with a concussion, a broken arm, and a bruised ego. 

Yes, I'm fully aware that cat wasn't in the shower when he fell over, but I almost peed my pants laughing at him, so I used it anyways.  Which, brings me to my next point.  I have a really bad habit of waiting until I feel like my bladder is going to burst before getting up to go pee.  TMI?  Maybe.  Lazy?  So fuckin' lazy.  I have zero problem running five miles earlier in the day, but having to walk ten feet to the bathroom at work?  Not happening.  This really isn't a good idea since I force myself to drink a liter of water a night at work, plus start my night off with a cup of coffee or six.  And yes my bladder can explode, I saw it on Grey's Anatomy once. Dr. Bailey would never lie to me.

And the last way I almost cause my untimely death, and definitely the most likely of the reasons, is my Joey.  Since most drivers completely ignore traffic signals and the fact that a pedestrian and her dog are rightfully and legally in the crosswalk, having to dodge a car or two is practically in my daily routine.  And since I would curl up in a ball and die from a broken heart if anything ever happened to my pup, I usually ending up putting myself in between her and that lady in the SUV who is probably texting.  Sure Joe has better insurance than I do, but I feel like I would stand a better chance against the bitch in her white Lexus.  And also, the jackass in the black Charger.  Oh, and let's not forget the douche in the red Jeep.  Yeah, I remember each of you.  And Winter Park isn't that big, I'll find you.  But seriously, please stop trying to kill us, I love her too much to not jump in the way.

See ya on the flip side.

1 comment:

  1. haha yes I often wait to pee too. I don't know why but I would rather keep watching my show/eating my food/doing anything else until it is absolutely necessary.