Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Terrible Twos

I always assumed the 'Terrible Twos' referred to shithead human children.  Makes sense that they would start to suck when they hit two since now they can talk and walk, so not only can they talk back, but they can also walk away from you after using their new ability to form complete sentences to sass you.  That's why people get pets.  Train them right, and train them early, and you'll usually have no problems with them aside from the occasional throwing up on the carpet.  And that's more or less been the case in my household.  I mean, the pets are pretty spoiled, but they listen.  Except somebody has a birthday in exactly two weeks.  And somebody will be two years old on that birthday.  And somebody sucks now.

She's talking about me, guys.

My sweet sweet middle child has lost her mind.  Where she used to listen, she now turns her back and pretends to not hear me for a few minutes before she eventually gives in and does as she is told.  And I'm almost positive I see her roll her eyes when this happens.  This is particularly embarrassing when we're at the dog park and I tell her it's time to leave and then spend the next ten minutes as free entertainment for the other suckers dog owners there as I chase her around in circles attempting to put her leash on her.  Think about how dumb a dog looks when he's chasing his own tail and times that by a million.

Trust me guys, she looks real dumb.
I used to take a lot of pride in the fact that Joey was much much quieter than your average dog.  No obnoxious barking when I come home from work at six in the morning.  No scaring new visitors with a bark that sounds a lot more menacing than the actual dog.  No sitting in the backyard barking at a squirrel in a tree because it won't come down for hours upon hours.  Not only has Joey found her voice, she pretty much just uses it to insult people.  Wearing a regular t-shirt and shorts at the dog park?  You're safe from Joe's barks.  Anything else?  Open season.  She takes serious offense to tie dye (but who doesn't?), dreadlocks, any type of hat, skateboards, vests (don't ask), and basically any thing she doesn't see on a regular basis.  When one person is dressed the slightest bit differently, Joey makes sure to point it out to everybody within a two mile radius by following them around and barking at them.  The good news is, she'll most likely never let me leave the house dressed like an idiot.  The bad news is, I'm apparently raising an extremely intolerant dog. 

We're also still having a problem with thievery.  I don't foresee this ever getting better.  She thinks the world is her dog park and everything is her toy.  If you're playing with something, she most certainly wants it.  I can typically find her being chased by the previous owner of whatever is in her mouth at the time. 

And this is progressively getting worse too.  She will now stop playing with something just to go steal the same exact thing from another poor, unsuspecting dog. 

Am I crazy?  Or do dogs really go through 'terrible twos'?  I mean, we could just blame it on the spoiling and constant attention finally getting to her head.  But I'm choosing to believe I'm an excellent parent and she's just choosing to be an asshole right now.

Guys, did you even notice my mom is a blonde now??

No, seriously, have any of you guys had the same problem?  Also, her spots are getting darker, but I'm almost 100% sure that has nothing to do with her behavior. 

Over and out.

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