The Night Life

So, as I'm sure you're aware, because I've mentioned roughly 18 times, I work overnight.  The job itself, I'm a huge fan of, the schedule took two and half years and some happy pills to get used to.  Like everything, besides cream cheese, my job has its pluses and minuses, and I was made extremely aware of this Tuesday night.

I, like many Americans, hold television in too high of a regard.  Since I'm too busy changing lives to watch television live, I rely heavily on the DVR and/or Hulu.  Tuesday night, this little slice of heaven likes to show his tooshie on FX.

Hi there.

Now, I'm entirely too invested in Sons of Anarchy to stop watching now, even though the first three episodes of this season were a bit of a let down, but when somebody texts you about some shit going down on a TV show and you have no way of watching it, well, you now know true panic, my friend.

And if you watch the show, you know that nobody's safe since everybody's favorite character was offed.  RIP.  Anyway, this got me thinking of the few other negatives of having a night job.

Sleeping during the day:

 You have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to sleep during the day until you absolutely have to.  Sure, a cat nap at high noon is no problem.  Eight solid hours when the sun's shining though?  Not happening.  Especially when all of your neighbors work from home.  ALL OF THEM.  So, it makes perfect sense to cut their lawns at 10:00 in the morning, two short hours after your army of pets have finally let you fall asleep.  Even better, one of those neighbors has a very strong love affair with his leaf blower and pressure washer.  Rake your leaves, dude, and who even has a pressure washer?  Sure, I could get sassy with them, but they give us beer, mow our lawn, and maybe I'll need that pressure washer one day.

People also like to sell door to door in the middle of the day, and if those sons of bitches see a car parked in front of a house, they are relentless with the knocking.  The only fun thing about that, is I like to, in turn, scare said unassuming salesman.  I usually swing the door open (hopefully with pants I remembered to put on) and yell something that makes no sense, because I've only been asleep for 45 minutes.

 
You miss everything:

Four days out of the week, I only get to see the boyfriend long enough to find out what he had for lunch.  We like to start with the important stuff about our days.  I live with the guy, and actually find myself missing him sometimes because I see him so infrequently during the work week.

I miss out on lots of Taco Tuesdays, Winedown Wednesdays, and numerous Friday night birthday celebrations.  Actually, I usually remember to grab a shrimp taco on the way to work on Tuesdays, the occasional Wednesday, and every other Thursday.  But if I requested off for every celebration during a night I work, I'd be out of vacay days by the end January.

You pack on the pounds:

I was immediately warned of the dangers of loading on the weight when you work overnight.  A lot of night jobs involve a lot of monitoring and sitting on your bum, which usually leads to boredom that can only be cured with candy.  Or Doritos.  And the occasional donut.  I was kind of the exception at the beginning.  You tell an ex queen of eating disorders that she might gain weight, she'll add at least two extra miles of running a day, and manage to lose weight while working over night.  Don't worry though, I gained it all back this past year.

But you know what?  Going to work at eight o'clock at night means one very important thing that trumps every negative thing in the world.  NO TRAFFIC.
 

That means I win.  Everything.  Also, because this is a scheduled post, so you suckers are at work and I'm still snoozing.

Don't forget to root for the Braves, they start their post season kicking ass tonight.

Winner Winner

PUPPY!!!!

Hey there!  Did you make it through Monday okay?  You sure?  Good.  Me too.  Mostly because I can be a lazy POS on Mondays.  I wasn't, but I can be.  I got my toosh out of bed in the AM, which is quite rare on a Monday.  Fine, it's pretty rare for any day of the week.  (That's in case the bf reads the bloggy because he'll come straight home and say those exact words).  Anywho, after a quick work meeting I headed out for lunch with a friend and then did some shopping for some more goodies for her upcoming baby shower, which is coming along pretty awesome so far.  On my way home from our daytime shennanigans, guess what I found?

A PUPPY!!!!  This poor little nugget was limping around with just the saddest of all looks on her face.  I stopped my car and she hobbled right up to me and let me pick her up.  Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, she had a tag.  Her name was Sarah and she had a momma.  So, no free puppy for me.  See, I grew up in the sticks and about 85% of our pets we either found on the side of the road or they wandered up to our house, so every time I see an animal roaming around unattended, I automatically assume that I get to add him or her to my collection little family.  It never ever works out that way.

I reluctantly called her owner and had to give her back.  If she didn't look so relieved to see her little fur baby I would have reprimanded her for not keeping a better eye on her.  Actually, I lie, I hate confrontation.  But the lady told me that was like the third time she had gotten out that week.  Her present limp came from escaping and getting hit by a car.  I understand mistakes happen, but you ma'am, are toeing the line of being an unfit parent.  I frequently see owners jogging with or walking their dogs off leash around her.  Which is not only illegal, but completely irresponsible.  No matter how well behaved your dogs are, keep them on leashes kids.  *End public service announcement.*

So, I had to return to my sad, empty, three pet house, but not before sending a picture of the little baby to the boyfriend.  He, of course, completely ignored the text, since by now I should understand that the next pet will cost me the low low price of one stable adult relationship, so he says.  Stay tuned to see if I ever test that threat.

Also, Joe got a bandana.

I think she looks fabulous.  She is no doubt wondering how to kill me with the thing. 
Seacrest out.

Twins!

Eleven years ago today, I earned my favorite title in the entire world:  Aunt Tina.  Ok, I didn't really do much that day to 'earn' anything but I put up with their mother as my sister for the previous sixteen years to that, so let's just say I earned it.   Two of my most favorite people in all of the world were born eleven years ago today.

That pretty lady on the left, is Kaia, one of the funniest, silliest people I know.  Having my mom tell me she takes after me is still the greatest compliment I've ever received.

That cute boy on the right up there is Caiden, one of the sweetest, most loving people I know.  He was the first boy I ever fell in love, and definitely the boy I love the most.

Fun fact:  They're the reason I go by Tina now instead of Christina.  Turns out, those extra five letters are really hard for two year olds to say.  Anyway, I could gush for days over these two guys, but instead, I leave you with some of my favorite quotes from the two of them.

Caiden: "Aunt Tina, how old are you?"
Me: "How old do you think I am?"
Caiden: "Oh no, I'm not doing that."

Caiden: "Aunt Tina! I need $500."
Me: "For what?"
Caiden: "Netflix."

Kaia: "How come you don't have a hamburger?"
Me: "I don't eat meat."
Kaia: "Are you allergic?"
Me: "No, I just don't like to eat animals."
Kaia: "Well, I do. L-O-V-E it."

Caiden: "Kaia got a ring from Lord of the Rings, and we think it really works!"
Me: "Are you sure about that?"
Caiden: "Probably works better than your fake Harry Potter wand."

Caiden: "Aunt Tina, I have a girlfriend!"
Me: "WHAT??!! How old is she? What grade is she in?"
Caiden: "Ummmm...well..."
Me: "You don't know?! Do you even like her?"
Caiden: "....Listen, she's really pretty."

Me: "What are you guys doing tonight?"
Kaia: "I can't tell you that, but I can tell you I love you a lot."

Me: "How's school going?"
Kaia: "Whatever dude, it's almost Fri-day."

Caiden: "HissHisssssHissHissHisssssss!"
Me: "...Was that some Parseltongue you were just speaking?"
Caiden: "Duh."

Me: "I'm coming to see you on Sunday!"
Caiden: "Really?? Good, because I miss you a whole lot!"
Me: "I'm coming to see you on Sunday!"
Kaia: "Ummm, I'm about to eat some Hamburger Helper, so..."       

Kaia:  "Can you guys just stop talking and get me some chicken nuggets?"

Caiden:  "Aunt Tina, why does David need a Nerf gun?  He's an adult with a beard."

Me:  "I'm going to work:"
Caiden:  "But it's night time, when do you sleep?"
Me:  "During the day."
Caiden:  "Like a bat!  Wait a minute..."

Kaia:  "Why don't you work at Texas Roadhouse anymore?"
Me:  "Because I got a big girl job."  
Kaia:  "But what about the butter?"

And each and every time the words 'I love you' come out of their mouths, my heart melts. I love you back, my sweet little angels and I miss you every single minute of every single day I don't get to be with you.

 I will be celebrating your birthday at a bar because I've been an aunt for eleven years and now I feel old.

 

Words To Live By

Boyfriend and I were hanging out on the couch watching 'Castle' yesterday afternoon, when one of the characters mention something about her life motto.  I'm not entirely sure what exactly that motto was because I was all filled up on Candy Crush lives, and wasn't exactly paying attention, but this prompted the babe to mention his life motto.  His life motto makes me want to punch him in the face.  It goes a little something like this:

Me:  "Babe, please don't do that."
BF:  "I do what I want!"

Me:  "You seriously can't be doing that right now."
BF:  "I do what I want!"

Me:  "Don't touch that!"
BF:  "I do what I want!"

I die a little bit inside every time he says it, mostly because it's so damn true.  The little shithead does whatever he wants. 

That would be him, on the reg.

Anyway, it got me thinking, what should my life motto be?  I would love for it to be that, but let's face it, I'm a people pleaser to the full extent, so I give plenty of fucks.  Here are few options though.

1.  Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

I'm mean, just look how excited some cake, wine, and a little bit of Jack Daniels gets me.  I could definitely jump on board this train.  Few things make my heart happy like some baked goods and alcohol.  Sad, but true.  Correction:  not sad, but still true.

2.  Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Ok, not so much 'dance like nobody's watching' but more 'dance only when nobody's watching'.  Because nobody should have to see it.

Oh, we're taking a picture?  Fuck that, I'm dancing.

Walk across the street?  How about we dance across the street.

I'm actually not even sure what's happening here.

I shouldn't dance.  Ever.  I'll keep doing it though.  Maybe just a little more 'alone in my living room' and a little less 'smack in the middle of a very crowded bar'.

3.  Keep Your Friends Close... 

I didn't finish that quote, because I don't feel like I have any enemies.  If I do...why don't you like me?! I'm kidding, I don't care.  No, seriously, why don't you like me?  If I haven't noticed that you hate, it's because I have too many amazing friends to distract me from your negativity, bud.  

I pretty much win in the friend department.  If you gave me a chance, we could be great friends.  Promise.  Ok, no seriously, why don't you like me?

Actually half of those babes up there live anywhere from two hours away to Montana, so I'm not doing such a good job keeping them close.  In fact, I chased one farther away.

4.  Life's a Beach

Within ten minutes of meeting me,  you can definitely tell I was born and raised in the Sunshine State.  I have the ever so slight hint of a Southern accent, year round tan lines, and an insane hatred toward temperatures under 85 degrees.  I was made for the water and sand.

Thank God Florida accepts my no nonsense attitude toward cold weather, and sneaks me in the occasional day during winter above 80 degrees.

5.  TGIF

I don't know if this necessarily fits in with everything else, but it is Friday.  Holla!  In celebration, I'm linking up with Whitney.

 

This song is rocking my world so hard right now.  Download it and learn the words, so next time you're in my car we can sing it together.

  

Peace out, Girl Scouts

Tricks of the Trade

I've made no secret of the fact that I love my job.  While every other status on my Facebook newsfeed or Twitter timeline is usually somebody whining about their job, I usually walk through the front doors of my office with a smile on my face.

Don't mean to rub it in, but I do, I really do love my job.  Anywho, this post isn't about making you hate your job a little more or making you want to punch me in the face.  I want to talk about the many things I've learned over the past two and a half years in the medical field.

1.  Adults Don't Listen 

 None of them do.  No matter how many times you tell them to leave something alone or not to touch something, they just can't help themselves.  They have to see what that button does, or where that wire goes.  Just count your blessings that there aren't any needles involved and I'm not shoving something up your ass checking your temperature, and stop touching shit.

2.  Men Are Babies

Dear.  God.  This above all else.  Men are the worst.  Everything hurts.  Everything is uncomfortable.  Nothing works.  

I understand any kind of medical procedure can be a little scary, especially when it involves an overnight stay, but come on, dude.  The two year old down the hall is taking it like a champ.  Grow a pair and let me do this.  

 3.  The Fireman Stereotype Is True

Well, it is in Jamlando anyway.  Anytime we have an emergency situation, we have to call an ambulance since we aren't directly in the hospital.  With an ambulance always comes a fire truck.  In that fire truck, there are firemen.  And in those firemen, I see Jesus.  

I love my boyfriend times a million, but these dudes will definitely wake you up at two o'clock in the morning.  Ya feel me?

4.  Hospital Food Isn't That Bad

On the rare occasion I actually work inside the hospital, I always take advantage of the cafeteria.  I mean, I have absolutely no intention of giving their sushi a go, but that sweet little Asian man makes a mean quesadilla.  And they sell entire cakes.  I'm sure they're there to celebrate somebody having a baby or pulling through surgery, but it's only a matter a time before one of those bad boys is my three A.M. snack.  

5.  Medical Supply Companies Are Bad For Your Diet

The lucky sales rep who has stopped by is not just there to show off some new goody that's going to make somebody else's life and health ten times better.  He's also there to give you a big fat ass.  Donuts, cookies, sandwiches, candy.   You name it, if it has at least four digits worth of calories, one of those sons of bitches will bring it in.  And I love them oh so much for it.  One of them brought in something weird like granola once.  That's not why I come to work, captain.  Talk to the guy who brought in Krispy Kreme.  You could learn a thing or two.

Pay attention when you're at work.  You'll learn some stuff.  And get some snacks.  

Over and out.

Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend

Once upon a time seven years ago , my college grant money ran out and I had to get two jobs.  One was at Subway (of course) and the other took me three months to find, and the best I could do was Bennigans.  Little did I know, working there was going to give me one of my best friends, and she was the mean girl behind the bar who yelled at me and made me cry my first week.  In her defense, I used to cry very easily.

Hey Blonde Tina!

Anywho, I gave that jellybean a ride home from work one night and she, very reluctantly I'm sure, invited me into her house for a beer to thank me, and I never left her couch.  Well, sometimes I slept on the kitchen counter, but that's neither here nor there nor sanitary. 

There couldn't have been two more different people in that restaurant.  I was a blonde, tan, once a week pedicure and manicure getting, princess.  And she had only painted her nails once, not even both hands, and had never even dyed her hair.  EVER.  I didn't even know people like that still existed, except for babies.  But one of the many nights I refused to leave her house we found out we actually did have some things in common.   We liked a lot of the same music.  Sure I couldn't get her to memorize Britney Spears choreography with me, but The Black Kids are playing at The Social?  We're all over that.

Kind of Blonde Tina

And we'll add Radiohead, The Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails, and She Wants Revenge to our concert list, too.

We were both sports nuts.  Her choice in college football teams is disgusting, but we could both wallow in the misery that is being a Dolphins fan together.  I wasn't really a big basketball fan at the time, so she took me out to a bar one night and explained the rules to me so I could talk shit to Celtics fans.  She's not a big baseball fan, and refuses to compromise, so I still enjoy that sport by myself.

She didn't just teach me what a technical foul is though.  She taught me how to make a Mint Julep, how to play countless drinking games, how to ride the bus, and how to play pool. 

You'll have to excuse my guns.

The playing pool part was particularly fun, because nothing was more satisfying than going to a bar and being challenged by two dudes to a game of pool and kicking their asses.  Well, for the full month I was actually any good.

She's also a fantastic wing man.  She helped me bag that dude I've been living with for the past three years.

We have been inseparable since we met and I forced her into being friends with me.  She has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life, been apart of some of the best, and shares my love of naps.

A couple years after we woke up from that nap we became the proud owners of one of the cutest babies in town.

She has full custody and won't let me put my name on the birth certificate, but she does let me hang out with him fairly often, he just happens not to be the size of a grapefruit anymore.

So, why am I telling you our love story?  Because the bitch just left me.  Yep.  She is currently in a UHaul on her way to Montana.  No, I didn't stutter.  Mon-tan-a.  And she didn't have the courtesy to leave me the baby.  So, for the next three years, I have to make my own grown up decisions, change my own flat tires, and pretend to know what the hell is going on in basketball.  Which means, I will now be directing all important decisions to the boyfriend, investing in AAA, and just yelling at the TV when the Magic play because odds are they just missed a free throw.  All because she let some stupid boy put a ring on her finger.  It's ridiculous, because she knows she can borrow my jewelry anytime she wants.

So, now I'm left all alone.  Ok, not really.  I still have some really great friends down here and of course that boyfriend of mine, but Sheila knows how to handle me.  She knows how to talk me off a ledge, how to calm me down, and most importantly, how to shut me up.  So all you kiddies in Orlando have to answer my text messages when I don't know how to bake something, am 99% sure I have cancer, or when I need somebody to drink 18 boxes of wine with.  Sheila will be more than happy in assisting you guys in dealing with.  Just text or call, and make sure to let her know how much she sucks for leaving.

Good bye, my Sheila Shine.  There aren't enough words in the English language to express how much I'm going to miss you.  I know you're already looking forward to my 400+ text messages a day.  Also, I put a framed picture of us in one of your boxes.  Ok, fine, there's one in every single box. 

I promise to come visit.  But not when it's snowing.  Or during the holidays, because flights are more expensive.  Or during the summer, because there isn't a beach up there.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I got on a plane an hour ago.

Adios Amiga