Dear CBS

We need to talk.  I stuck through the Grammys last night because, well I'm sick of felling old.  I thought this would be another MTV Awards situation where I had no idea who anybody was and the music would be too loud for me.  'What is an Ariana Grande and why can't she stop wearing that half ponytail?'  Besides some strange girl wearing a lampshade, I was thoroughly impressed with my knowledge of who was coming across the stage most of the time. 

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything you did for me last night, CBS.  And by everything, I mean this:

I spent the rest of the show wondering when they would be playing their next song, because this was clearly the Jay-Z and Beyonce show, also known as life.  Do you know why I pushed back the time I took my vitamins and went to bed?  Because of who was closing the show.  Specifically Dave Grohl, because he makes me feel all warm inside. 

I had to sit through Robin Thicke without the twerking, Lampshade Girl, AND She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (also known as girl who can't sit down in front), and you freakin' cut off Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, Queens of the Stone Age, and Lindsey Buckingham?  I can't even.  I mean I know you gave me the royal couple and John Legend, but Trent Reznor doesn't seem like somebody who would exactly take being cut off lightly, so I'm sure he'll boycott the Grammys and now you've ruined them for all of us.  THANKS. 

I seriously can't even remember anything else good about the Grammys because the ending just ruined it for me.  Kind of like Gone Girl, but I eventually forgave Gillian Flynn and read that again.  You will most likely not get back in my good graces as quickly, CBS.  Mostly because I just watch Netflix and The Food Network, so I don't really need you, but if you want to send me a gift basket, that would be fine. 

I'm off to rewatch the first and last performances from last night and throw things at me TV because I'm not and will never be one half of The Carters and because I will never know how much better that closing performance ended up being. 

CBS,

YOU SUCK.

Kisses,

Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship?

Hi there!  I was about to wish you a big ol' 'Happy Friday!' but that's a little premature, since, you know, it's only Thursday.  Sorry to bring it up.  I've had a really hard time accurately knowing what day of the week it is so far for most of 2014.  I think I've been right about it two days so far.  I think I'm going senile.  Anywho, I was browsing Twitter yesterday and HelloGiggles posted an article titled 9 Signs You Have An Unhealthy Relationship With Your Dog.  (Not where you thought this post was going when you read the title, huh?  Don't worry, my human relationship is perfectly healthy besides the boyfriend's need to crush my soul.)  Moving on.

If you guessed that I was able to nod my head in agreement to nine out of nine of those signs, then congratulations, you know what every other person who has ever seen my blog/Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/person knows:  I love my dog. 

We are also hands down the cutest couple in Winter Park, probably in Florida, and most likely in the US.  Ok, I'm being modest.  We're the cutest couple in the world. 

 WE CAN'T HELP IT.

Anyways, was I nodding my head in shame to these nine signs, you ask?  HELL NO.  I was actually a little disappointed in the author that they would assume that those are signs of an unhealthy relationship.  

1.  YOU'RE JEALOUS WHEN HE SLEEPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE

 I wouldn't say I necessarily get jealous when she sleeps with other people, because she doesn't sleep with other people.  Ok, maybe I yelled at the boyfriend for stealing her in the middle of the night while we were camping last week, but that was strictly for body heat purposes.  I was jealous because I was cold.  My jealousy was practical and HEALTHY.

2. OVERCARING

You can never overcare for your dog.  Moving on.

3.  YOU WALK HIM FOR HIS HEALTH, NOT YOURS

Joey has recently been getting picked on for her weight by a few people.  You guys know who you are and you're bullies.  There's a giant anti-bullying movement happening right now, GET WITH IT.  So, yes the two mile walks we do on the days we're not running the dog park are more for her than me, that makes me a good mother.

4.  IF HE THROWS UP, YOU PANIC 

This one doesn't really apply to me because Joey has health insurance, so whatever is making her throw up will cost me basically nothing at the vet, so I can make all the unnecessary trips I want.  I'm sure the LOVE me there.  And I don't really 'panic' so much as lie awake at night with her until she's 100% back to normal.

5.  YOU WORRY ABOUT HIS FEELINGS

Of course I do.  This has a lot to do with the fact that she has a pretty killer sad face.

It physically hurts me to see her face like that.  So, I mostly worry about her feelings to spare my feelings.

Oh, and also because I have a soul.


6.  YOU CAN’T TELL IF THE DOG NEXT DOOR IS BULLYING HIM AND IF SO WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Joey has more of a problem with the cats next door.  She wants to play with them and they hiss at her try to scratch her eyes out, which makes her sad because she's just trying to make friends.  See number five.

7.  YOU GET SEPARATION ANXIETY 

Of course I do.  You'll be hard pressed to find a canine owner who doesn't get separation anxiety.  So if this makes my relationship with Joe unhealthy, then I will gladly join the club.

8.  YOU’VE MADE MORE OF A COMMITMENT TO YOUR DOG THAN TO ANY GIRL (OR GUY) 

No matter what you guys think, I do not put Joey above David on any list, except for a list of who I like to take naps with the most.  He's not as big on cuddling as she is.  Any new friends I've made after getting Joey?  Sorry, you're numero dos behind her.

9.  YOU ALL OF SUDDEN REALIZE YOU’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOUR DOG FOR 10 MINUTES STRAIGHT TO A STRANGER WITHOUT TAKING A BREATH

Not unhealthy.  Joe is funny and makes for good conversation.  Just ask me about her the next time you see me.  It'll save me the trouble of having to bring her up.

Was this article an accurate portrayal of mine and Joey's relationship?  Yes.  Is it unhealthy?  You be the judge.  If you say 'yes', you're incorrect. 

Ok, so maybe if I read this article about 15 years ago, as a cat owner and somebody who was scared of dogs I would think all those signs pointed to a crazy person.

But, if loving Joey is wrong I don't want to be right.
 

We out.

Listen Up!

Hello there.  So, I may or may not have accidentally gotten an Amazon credit card the other day.  Yes, mom, that makes credit card number six.  MIND YOUR BUSINESS!  I know that sounds like a lot of credit cards, but, in my defense, only two of them have actual balances on them, so it's fine.  Anyways, I got it because I got $10 off an order for signing up for one, and guinea pig cages are a lot cheaper on Amazon than in the pet store.  Why do I need a guinea pig cage, you ask?  Well, for a guinea pig, of course.  Why am I getting a guinea pig?  Because the boyfriend won't let me have a chicken.
 

So, after telling the boyfriend I was going to get one, telling him what I ordered online, telling him that I found a guinea pig that I liked, texting him picture of said guinea pig, AND telling him that all of my guinea pig goodies have been shipped, he asks me two days later if I said something about getting a guinea pig the other day. 

Why?? Why can't you listen to me?!  Listen, I know I talk.  A LOT.  Like, ten times more than your average 15 year old girl does.  I can't help it.  I have a lot to say and an incessant need to say all of it, all the time.  But honey, if you don't start paying attention to me when I talk, you're going to miss important conversations about additions to the family. 

In the boyfriend's defense, I have been told that I absolutely cannot ever have a fourth pet.  Well I can, but not without quickly having to change my relationship status to 'single' after acquiring the fourth addition to that snuggle party up there.  So, maybe I don't really listen either....but that's not the point.  I was two business days away from becoming a mother of four until he came home for lunch the other day and started crushing dreams.  Apparently Olive decided to jump on his head that morning which reminded him how much I wasn't supposed to get her in the first place, which led to him remembering me talking about getting another pet. 

All my fault, guys.

When exactly is it 'too many pets'?  Because I apparently still have plenty of room in my heart for more, and he will only have enough room in his if he kicks me out of it.  Sigh.  At least he knows I love him.  I don't give up on having more furry babies for just anybody.

But David, just so you know, you're in charge of telling the kids we will remain a three pet household, because they actually listen to/can't run away from a conversation with me, and were really excited about 'Fiona'.  How do I know?  Because I LISTENED TO THEM.

Update:  After attempting to sleep/eat/shower/clean my house/lead a normal life today, turns out, the number of pets in this house should never ever exceed three.  Also, I might need a nanny.

The boyfriend never reads this, so please don't tell him he was right.

Thanks.

Also, please refer to this story whenever you want to know who wears the pants in our relationship.  I wash all the pants if that gives you a clue.

Maybe I'll buy some new pants with the money I get back when I send back my sad, empty guinea pig home.

Boyfriends who think rationally about the human to animal ratio in a home are stupid.

It's Not MY Birthday, But That's Ok

Hey there!  Hope you're having a happy Monday.  I know I am.  You know who else is?

That pretty pretty princess on the left up there.  Why is she having such a good Monday?  Well for one, she's on vacation.  That's right.  Go ahead and hate her because you're sitting at a desk deciding which color pen to shove in your eye while she's trying to decide which outfit she'll look the cutest in while skiing.  Spoiler alert:  she looks good in all of them.  But you know what?  She's earned a vacation.  As of today, she has officially been on this earth making it a much much better, more beautiful, amazing place for 28 years.  Wait a minute, have we reached the age where we have to say dumb shit like 'turning 21 for the 8th time'?  Was I not supposed to give away your age?  Oops.  Remember, you love me and have too many matching tattoos with me to ditch me now. 

I've been celebrating birthdays with that ladybug for fourteen years now.  Half of them together and half them in different cities from each other.  This year, she hightailed it to Seattle and decided to celebrate clear across the country from me.  Since we're adults now (28, remember?) I'm much less 'I wish she took me on vacation with her!' and much more 'I hope she's having a good time'.  Ok, I'm a little bit 'she owes me a vacation', but we'll work out the details on that when she gets back.

If you ever decide to be jealous of me for something, it should be the stroke of luck I had when I crossed paths with Shannon on the softball field in ninth grade.  I was minding my own business waiting for my time to shine during tryouts and she was bouncing around center field talking to anybody who would be still for a second.  It took all of ten seconds and I was hooked.  I know what you're thinking.  Yes, that is who you have to thank for me going from a quiet little bookworm to the chattiest person you will ever meet.  Ever.

Jesus, we're adorable.

It's funny that I can remember the exact moment we met, but I can't remember a time when we weren't best friends.  I feel genuinely, completely, 100 % happy when I'm with her.

I remember the first time I saw this quote on (what else?) Pinterest.  Who the f was stalking Shannon and me and decided to come up with a quote to describe our friendship perfectly?  Don't get me wrong, our respective boyfriend and husband are so so so much more than just guys we have fun with, we love them both an insane amount and they are definitely our soulmates too, but she is my soulmate on whole different level.  She is my rock, my lobster, my best friend, my sister. 

She is the person I can't wait to tell things to, miss everyday, and who I don't hate when it's her birthday instead of mine.  I love you, you sweet, beautiful, funny, strong, amazing woman.  Your only flaw is that you fell in love with and married a man who insists on living two hours away from me.  But, hey I did the same thing.  This is where I would insert a picture of the two of us with our boys, but I don't have one.  How have we forgotten to make that happen?  I bet they're pretty ok with the fact that we're too obsessed with each other to even realize they're with us. 

It's ok, there's room for them in our lives, but definitely not in our pictures.

Happy Happy Birthday to you, Shannon! Give yourself a giant hug and kiss from me.  I love you so so many.

Here I Am!

Oh shit, I have a blog.  Hi there.  This time I haven't been bumming on the couch this whole time.  Well, not the WHOLE time.  First, let's get through the hard part:  I left Joey for five days.

FIVE F-IN' DAYS.  I haven't been away from  her for more than two days since the month after I got her, and that was actually kind of nice because I was MIA during some crucial potty training incidents. To say those five days were rough would be a giant understatement, but your girl was in major need of a vacation, so I packed three bags for a five day trip and off I went in search of that southern accent I managed to drop a few years ago.  I swapped out that cute face up there for some even cuter faces though.

I was in niece and nephew HEAVEN for New Years.  I was a little nervous, because it was only the second time I had been around my youngest niece, but I ended up basically being her favorite person of all time.

You can say it, my family makes beautiful babies.

Anyways, I showered those babes with presents and kisses and took them to the zoo and slumbered party on the living room floor with them and we ate everything bad for us.  I had an absolute blast, but learned some very valuable lessons.

1.  Four kids is too many

As I've gotten older, I've switched gears from 'Kids are evil' to 'Ok, fine, I'll take a couple'.  One thing I won't be doing?  Having four of them.  They're never hungry at the same time or want to eat the same thing, never want to do the same thing, they have no concept of time or money, and I'm getting easier to outsmart.

2.  Where babies come from

Ok, I 'know' where babies come from, but when your eleven year old niece decides to get curious about the birds and the bees at the beginning of an hour long car ride, you get a little flustered and may get your facts confused.  Trust me.  After reviewing my answers under less pressure, turns out, that doesn't go there and you can't get pregnant that way.  I would like to thank the gorillas who decided to have sexy time in front of us at the zoo for putting me in that situation. 

3.  Hell doesn't have a bar

I'm from an insanely tiny town in North Central Florida that requires a ton of drinking.  Every day.  All the time.  Only problem is, I'm clearly the only one who feels that way.  Ellisville, get a bar, dude.  You make me want to stick my head in an oven, I need you to at least get me drunk beforehand. 

4.  There are more people I like as much as my dog than I thought.

So I survived my first trip without Joey and it was all thanks to these cats:

Ok, it also helped that I found a dog on the side of the road within my first day there and got to keep him for two days until I found his parents, but that's not that point.

Naturally, the boyfriend got a little nervous over this picture and immediately called me to shoot down any hopes of adding this guy to our family if I couldn't find his owner.

After ten years of living in Orlando, I finally find myself consistently referring to it as 'home'. The only thing wrong with Orlando is, nobody in any of those pictures lives here. Not a single one of them. I miss them all the time.  But as much as I loved every stinkin' second of being with my family and friends and already miss them like crazy, I was definitely glad to come home away from awkward conversations about sex and just in time watch UCF win the Fiesta Bowl (hooray!) and snuggle with my Joe.

Oh! I totally missed my boyfriend too. 

Really babe, I missed you a ton.  And I'm not just saying that because you cleaned the whole house while I was gone.  It's mostly because you had CapriSuns and Doritos waiting for me.  That's why I call Orlando 'home'.

Oh, and if  you happen to live anywhere north of Florida, please forgive all of us now for the next couple of days worth of complaining about the cold weather.  It's supposed to be in the 20s and we just can't down here.  We can't.

All I Want For Christmas

I'm not sure if you're new in town, but there are only five days left until Christmas.  FIVE DAYS.  What does that even mean?  Fun fact:  Your girl is all finished with Christmas shopping.  Take that procrastination.  Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be back to my regularly scheduled putting things off until the last minute in 2014. 

So, all of the gifts that I've purchased have either already arrived to the house or have already been shipped and should be here any day now.  The boyfriend, on the other hand, is a fan of doing things last minute like I do, he just happens to keep up the bad habit during the holidays.

The boyfriend and I approach every gift giving situation the same way:  we see if the other person is dying to have something specific that they won't buy for themselves, then either get that or surprise them with something.  I usually never ask for something specific because I LOVE surprises.  Seeing presents wrapped up that I can't touch and that I have no idea what they are kind of makes me feel like I want to die a little bit, but in a good way.  That excitement definitely has not lessened with age.  Thank goodness.

This year the bf did ask for something specific, which is fine because I tried to surprise him last Christmas and he guessed what it was in about two seconds.  He doesn't care for surprises anyway.   I actually did ask for something specific as well, but apparently the rest of you guys asked for the same thing, because it sold out before he could buy it.

So, if I see you around town with a specific Michael Kors creation, don't me surprised if I tackle you and steal it.  Maybe you guys did me a favor because now I won't know what I'm getting until I open it in FIVE DAYS.  Unless I can sweet talk him into letting me open presents on Christmas Eve again.

I can't even begin to guess what I'm getting.  I LOVE IT.  If he listens to me at all and also hates himself, hopefully I'll end up with another four legged mouth to feed.  I mean, puppies were kind of made to have little red bows on their heads.

Gimme.

I will also take a kitten, goat, or guinea pig.  Just make sure they're wearing a bow.

Unfortunately, here is a 200% chance I will not be getting a new fur baby for the holidays.  I think he feels outnumbered as it is.  Him against myself and three pets.  One more on my team and I'll get to control the thermostat and pick where we eat dinner.   

I will take any of the following as gifts though:

1.  A trampoline.

2. A tree house.

3. Any and all things that I've pinned on Pinterest.

4.  My soul back from Nelnet.  Student loan payments can really ruin a girl's day life.

5.  A Super Bowl win for my Dolphins.

6.  Britney Spears to move her Vegas show to Orlando for one night only.

7.  Nap time.

Happy shopping, honey!

P.S.  If  you could make number four happen and then write me a note about it and slip it into a new purse, that would be great.  We'll talk about it over that bottle of wine you bought me too while we're walking the new dog.

You're the BEST.

Let's be honest, I really just want you to take a picture with me and not look like you're wondering if anybody would even notice I was gone.

 

Yeah, how about you just smile for me for Christmas? 

Bang...erz

Friday! Here you are!  Was it just me, or was this the longest week ever?  Maye time is starting to slow down because it's almost Christmas time to open presents, or maybe I'm just not used to working five whole entire days a week.  Yeah, that seems more likely.  Anyway, the rest of the country you can now stop hating us/congratulate us down here in Florida because we're finally starting to pretend to join in on the Fall/Winter weather.  Well, our 55 degree version of it anyway.  I'm usually not a big fan of any temperature under 80 degrees, but since I lost my mind and signed up for a half marathon I've had to start running a lot more than usual, and I need Florida to stop trying to give me a heat stroke.  I've actually been pretty impressed with myself while training for that bad boy.  I woke up Monday morning with a goal of running five miles and finally called it quits after seven.

And luckily I didn't feel like I was going to die afterwards.  I mean, it wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done, but I can definitely see getting myself up to the big 13.1 miles by March.  Plus, I have my super supportive boyfriend on my side.  Sure he shows his support by telling me I need more carbohydrates and then feeding me McFlurries and apple pies to meet that demand, but it's support nonetheless.

Anyway, I really hope I kick this half marathon's ass and then start running them left and right, but I'll more than likely finish and swear to never put myself through that again.   No more signing up for shit when I'm a little buzzed.  It makes me think I can do stuff that will most definitely end in tears and blood. 

We'll see.

I did take a nice little break from running yesterday to do some big things.  And by big things, I mean I got some bangs. 

I went in and told the guy, 'I've had bangs before and I hated them, but I want them again and I want to like them'.  I'm sure he loved me.  But, he made it happen, and I love him for it.  The boyfriend even took notice.  I usually have to actually have my hair cut in front of him for him to even realize something is different.  This time, he walked in the house after work and said 'Oh wow, those actually look really good'.

Ummm, thanks?  We're only 3 1/2 years into the relationship, he hasn't quite gotten the whole 'compliment' thing down.  But he's just saying what I was thinking.  I didn't really think they would work out and I would spend the next six-ish weeks with them pulled back waiting for them to grow out, but dammit they do actually look good.

Annnnd now you're caught up with me.  Lots of running and rocking some bangs.  Actually, something else awesome is happening:  Today is the birthday of one of my favorite people in the world.

Happy Birthday to my Jennas!! I miss you and love you and hope you have an amazing birthday.  If you're reading this, don't forget to tell me how awesome my bangs look again.

Also, my night job really paid off last night, because while most of you suckers were snoozing, Queen Bey released a new album, and it's just as amazing as you would expect some sneaky, top secret album from Mrs. Carter to be.

You snooze you lose.